Posted in coronavirus covid-19, dead man walking, depression, journaling, love, narcissistic mother, worrying

Empty Words

Image Credit: Google

After completing yesterday’s Journal entry, I laid down for the night. Angry with conflicting emotions, the response I got from my ex was still on my mind and aggravating me. Not only was falling asleep a task, staying asleep would prove to remain a challenge as well. A part of me was thrilled to receive the response that I managed to get when I asked my ex if he in fact was bothered after looking at the pictures. Next this other half of me absolutely wants to break down. How could nothing in those four pictures remind him of “me”, and more importantly remind him of “us?”

Two of the pictures were of our fur babies. One of our cats, Sebastian and Sylvester, curled up together on top of Fungus’s enclosure. The other one of Sebastian while he slept on the bench that went to my keyboard. The other two photos were of a puzzle that my ex and I put together, and one of a sunflower I grew on the front porch. When I initially received the pictures, the first emotions that came up in me were sadness and heartache. Seeing our babies sleeping on top of Fungus’s enclosure caused me a terrible feeling because they and daddy were no longer here. I went through my index of memories in my brain remembering where the enclosure was. Recalling the times when my ex was at work and I had to feed Fungus. Next I started reminding myself that my bed is presently located in the spot where that picture was captured. Completely heartbroken because none of them live here anymore, I’d go through this emotional roller coaster at the sight of each picture. The keyboard bench. My ex used to love overhearing me play the keyboard for him. The puzzle, I remember working for hours and us trying to get it done. We stowed it under the couch, so it wouldn’t get damaged. We had every intention to get it framed, but time would run out for us and that never got accomplished. Lastly was the picture of the front porch with the flowers and the sunflower. Seeing that picture transported me back to the feeling of comfort and stability. Our porch was beautiful and looked like a happy couple lived here. This caused me to miss him even more. 

It’s legitimately not fair that I had to go back to these emotions and memories when he sent me the photos. Why was his experience different when he looked at them? When I asked why looking at the pictures bothered him, there was no mention of emotions or heartache. To him when he looked at them, they made him sad and mad he used to maintain a peaceful house. It prompted him to remember he no longer had that peaceful house in turn pissing him off. In addition, looking at them reminded him that he now lives back at home with his mother. Merely writing that pisses me off and irritates me. What about our memories? What about the love we shared? What about ANYTHING or ANYONE other than YOURSELF? Like I said, part of me is glad he responded to my question the way he did. It allowed me the heart to restrict him on the phone. Even now, it crushes my soul to know nothing he and I shared was going through his thoughts or heart.

Since I was up at the crack of dawn this morning, Wolfie and I chatted for a while before he hopped in the shower to get ready for work. Every time that my ex contacts me, or like the other day when I contacted my ex, I tell Wolfie the very next time we talk. It’s only proper I keep him informed every time my ex and I communicate. I genuinely want to assure him I no longer desire my ex and want him to be undoubtedly in on what I’m talking about with him. Wolfie said he thought I shouldn’t have impeded him on the phone so that way I didn’t stress myself out worrying about my ex. No matter how mad I realistically am at my ex, I will naturally worry about him until this coronavirus is under adequate control. He lives in the second most infected state and that’s frightening to me. May god express his masterful will in this horrifying situation.

Wolfies attitude about my ex and his expressed opinions on how he genuinely thinks I should properly deal with my ex, astonishes me. He’s gently told me a couple of times that he understands I still harbour feelings for my ex. Also saying that he’s going to give me time and space to work them out. I absolutely wish you knew mister that there realistically are no passionate feelings I possess for my ex. Memories are what I’m having a hard time disposing of. Still to this day if I willingly allow them to occupy my mind or by chance my ex presents me with pictures, that’s when I’m going to suffer a hard time. Therefore, the memories he and I shared are what haunts me. Not the love.

By: Beth Crowley
Songwriters: Elizabeth Johnson Crowley

But they were empty words. Now I’m way too numb to ever let them hurt. You didn’t get the best of me. I rescued what was left of me. So, save it. You can keep your empty words. 

You’re here, through crocodile tears you make your case describing how much you have changed. You’re sure, cause it’s always worked before, you can persuade me, you won’t doubt your feelings anymore. So confident, but you’ll be surprised it took awhile, but I can finally recognize. I’m so much better off with someone else who can see what they have when it’s right in front of them.

And won’t give me empty words, now I’m way too numb to ever let them hurt. You didn’t get the best of me. I rescued what was left of me. So save it. You can keep your empty words. 

Don’t need your empty words, now I’m way too numb to ever let them hurt. You didn’t get the best of me. I rescued what was left of me, save it. You can keep your empty words.

Sweet Dreams
Bubbles

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox.

Join 1,263 other followers

Posted in cabin fever, catina, coronavirus covid-19, depression, emotions or emotional, journaling, lou lou, love, memories, quotes and poems, relationships, wordpress.com website, worrying

Game Over

Image Credit: Pixabay

My sister Catina and I have been locked up in this apartment all day due to the coronavirus quarantine. Today, the pictures that my ex texted to me last night were starting to mess with my head. Memories that I had let go were coming back, and the desire to be with my ex were flipping around in my thoughts. Both of these were forcing me to feel like a different person than I’ve been the past few weeks. Wolfie and I have been so happy and content with one another, why did my ex have to come in and mess that up for me? Last night when he sent me the photos I tried to act like they didn’t mean anything. Telling myself they were in fact a part of my past, but no longer represented my future.

At one point today I began texting my ex, but half way through I backed out of it. This made me very proud of myself and informed me that encouraging progress has been achieved. However, I would ultimately end up texting him. This exchange would consist of only four messages. Two from me and two from him. What I asserted was that the pictures he shared with me were messing with my head. He messaged back fairly quickly saying they were indeed messing with his too. Never describing to him how they were affecting me, I wrote a simple message asking him are they really? When I received his answer, I was flabbergasted. Everything was me myself and I. Meaning everything was about him. Nothing he mentioned had anything to do with me, or he and I. His response most certainly clarified to me that he and I were done. Never responding to his self-absorbed answer, I deleted our messages. Angry and hurt that I provided no memories for him in those photos, I immediately blocked his phone number. This would be the last place that I needed to block him from and after it was done I felt fantastic.

I am so done with you by picturequotes.com

Around the time for Lou, my youngest sister to go to work, Catina maneuvered my car down to her. She was supposed to clock in at 1 p.m. but around 2:30 p.m. she still hadn’t left. Come to find out, Lou said the car barely had 40 miles until the gas light came on. Yet again this has pissed me off. The last time I was told about the gas level there was 79 miles available. With the misunderstanding yesterday and how I blew up, I couldn’t question Lou about this. She and I haven’t spoken yet since the blow up, and I’m guessing she’s nevertheless holding her grudge. I’m also assuming my sister definitely doesn’t want to drive my car any more. This in the least bit upset me. I’d be satisfied to allow my car to sit right in my driveway where it rightfully belongs. 

On and off for most of the day, Wolfie and I messaged each other. With it being Sunday, he typically has the day off. After one of our lively conversations this delightful morning, he headed off to the kitchen to prepare his breakfast. Two bananas, granola or grain bar, I can’t remember which and a coffee. When he described to me what he consumed, I didn’t conclude anything about it. At that point in time he went on telling me he has eaten this every morning for the past 30 years. I was speechless. This was remarkable, how in the world could anyone eat the exact same thing every morning for 30 long years? When I inquired about how he could manage this, he informed me that he remains a creature of habit. Automatically I instantly thought I could utilize this specific knowledge to use in my favor. Since he’s a creature of habits, I needed to find a way to cause him to desire me every single day for the rest of his life. As we continue to scale this mighty mountain, we encountered yet another pitfall. This time I wasn’t troubled. Wolfie positively assured me he would faithfully keep me informed and said I’ll talk to you later.

When I had spare time today, I worked diligently on my official Journal website again. This afternoon I color coordinated my journal entries with combining colors from the rest of my website’s theme. I wanted my script to be in the corresponding color of brown that’s throughout the rest of my site, with certain parts of the script in the teal color that’s additionally throughout the theme. This specific task was extremely trivial, but wearisome and tedious. With 43 official entries to do, this took longer than expected to complete. On occasions, I like reciting the lyrics to songs that inspire me or influence me in some way. Today thanks to my dear sister, I learned I can include the video right onto the entry page itself using a Youtube player. Why I never thought of it I’ll never know, I’m just overjoyed now that these posts can directly include the corresponding music video to the lyrics I quote. 

Sweet Dreams
Bubbles     

Posted in anxious, cabin fever, case manager, catina, coronavirus aftermath, coronavirus covid-19, coronavirus statistics, emotions or emotional, fear, journaling, lou lou, love, panic attack, quotes and poems, relationships, stress, therapy over the phone, wordpress.com website

Do The Corona ~ Virus

Image Credit: Pixabay

Corona, corona, coronavirus! Overwhelmingly, I’m just sick and tired of hearing about the coronavirus. Starting earlier this week, my hormone doctor appointment was canceled. Also earlier this week, my case manager who comes out to my house on Tuesday’s now hold’s our meetings over the phone. Then yesterday, there was my therapy session which too was held over the phone. As I said the other day in my journal, there is totally a difference in being told you can’t go anywhere, and staying home because your a home body. Before this craziness I never went anyplace and I was content with it. Now that we are being told to stay indoors due to this virus, I feel all cooped up. In no time at all, people will start to feel the effects of cabin fever. Yesterday when I was on the phone with my therapist, I asked her if she knew why this was the case. Without saying it directly she referred back to how we were as teenagers. Remember? Doing the opposite of what your told to do? What ever the reason it’s starting to get to me.  

There’s a shortage of pretty much everything that you need or want in stores. Toilet paper, thermometers, milk, you name it, it’s out of stock. Now people are out of work, like my sister Lou and my nephew. Not bringing in a paycheck is going to put a lot of extra stress on top of people along with everything else going on. This extra burden could possibly make people start acting in ways they normally wouldn’t act. Looting, vandalism and what I worry most about is home burglary. If it gets real bad, people may start to rob homes looking for food. What’s going to happen when peoples funds run out? With all their food and supplies depleted, I’m really trying not to worry about things I can not control, but it’s getting too hard to do. 

My question is are the scientist and doctors working together to come up with a vaccine or medication for this deadly contagious virus? Next, it would have to be, why is it taking so long? Tomorrow will be three months since China announced to the world they had an out break. Three months later and still no help from some of the smartest people in the world. To me this makes no sense, but what do I know. With the world on the verge of collapse and a terrible virus killing thousands on our planet, shouldn’t you guys be working around the clock across the globe?

what a year this week has been graphic

Below you will find the current world statistics and the United States statistics. These totals are from this morning at 12:00 a.m. 

WORLD TOTALS

CORONAVIRUS CASES
662,967

ACTIVE CASES
490,163
Currently Infected Patients

464,751 (95%)
In Mild Condition

25,412 (5%)
Serious or Critical

RECOVERED
141,953

CLOSED CASES
172,804
Cases which included an outcome

141,953 (82%)
Recovered/Discharged

30,851 (18%)
Deaths

UNITED STATES STATISTICS

Coronavirus Cases
123,428

Recovered
3,231

Deaths
2,211

say home crap on do the corona post in nadia's journal

Today I have had my first emotional roller coaster ride with Wolfie. This enormous mountain that we are trying to climb has many obstacles with sharp edges. When we were dealing with the situation, all I could do was think of the worst-case scenario. As always, I automatically think the worst and worry about everything. Usually things I can’t control. Eventually, the ride was over and my stomach settled, and we began our climb upward. Since Wolfie and I started talking, he has always been just a message away. Not being able to talk to him for the brief time that I couldn’t, I felt sick. With my insides feeling like jello I went on with my day. 

This afternoon when my sister Lou got back home with my car, she and I had a huge bow up. There was a communication breakdown, and Catina and I didn’t quite understand what she was asking for. When Lou got home from work, it was pouring down rain outside. She pulled into “MY” driveway and messaged Catina wanting us to drive her down to her house so she didn’t get wet. Cantina thought Lou wanted us to walk down to HER house to get the car. We thought she parked down there, so she wouldn’t have to walk from my house to hers and get wet. This sent me into a rage. I went off and said some nasty things because I was like, okay you don’t want to get wet but you’re sending us out in the rain to get my car that you borrowed? Thinking my car was down the drive Catina threw her shoes on to run down to retrieve my car. When she was running out the door, she noticed the car was right in its spot. Feeling horrible I admitted my mistake in Lou’s request I apologized. As you know, I positively hate being upset with my sister. It instantly makes me cry deep inside.

On to a pleasanter subject and one that’s a lot more exciting to me. Today was the most active day for my Journal Website. Visitors were reading more, and staying longer. When I founded my journal last month, I thought I enjoyed a decent run for the month. March however, has engulfed it by a considerable margin. In February, I had a grand total of 83 visitors with 170 views. Posting 20 Journal Entries. March at this point, with 3 days remaining is 368 visitors with 970 views, and 29 Journal entries. The number of likes also went up for March. In February I only had 11 likes total, and so far this month I have 23. I’m extremely astonished with the way this project has evolved. Journaling has come to be my choice thing to faithfully do. Not in a million years did I ever think I would even have one reasonable person who would be interested in my emotional journey or modest life.

This evening at some point the ex actually messaged. There was a destructive tornado in Jonesboro Arkansas, and he sincerely wanted to make sure I was okay. We messaged briefly then he disappeared. A little later I would get four pictures from him. He clearly was going through his old pictures. Not at all emotional, I naturally said “Those were the good ol’ days.”We didn’t say much after that and the following thing I discovered myself doing was deleting his text messages. I’m right at the pivotal point of intentionally restricting his mobile-phone number, but with this infectious virus I’m reluctant to do so.  

Sweet Dreams
Bubbles

Posted in anxious, bi-polar, catina, coronavirus covid-19, emotions or emotional, fcc, fear, hyper, journaling, lou lou, love, mental health, my car and issues, nadia mazonis, nightmares, panicky, quotes and poems, stress, strong confident beautiful woman, therapy, therapy over the phone, wordpress.com website, worrying

Voodoo Dreams

Image Credit: Google

This morning my baby sister was supposed to be at work at 9 a.m. to do some cleaning in the restaurant she worked at. She was a server but with the coronavirus situation going on, she and the entire wait staff has been laid off. 

quote by audrey hepburn the beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes because that is the doorway to her heart the place where love resides

However, the owner being a nice guy is allowing some of them come in to pick up a few hours to complete some deep cleaning. When Lou Lou (my baby sister) wasn’t over here to get the car for work, my oldest sister (Catina) walked down to see if she was awake and out of bed. Catina was gone for a few hours which seemed odd, but I naturally assumed that my sister had called into work. If I had to guess she didn’t call off for the day, but told them she was running late. For her this wouldn’t be a surprise to me. She’s late for work almost routinely. Around 10:00 a.m. Catina, who is currently staying with me came back home. It was odd when Lou Lou wasn’t with her, so I asked “Where is she?”Not sure, she shrugged her shoulders. We looked at each other with that face of who knows. It wasn’t till around 11:30 a.m. when Lou Lou knocked on my door. We spoke for only a brief bit before she snatched up the keys and headed off to work.

As you recall, yesterday I took the tire to Walmart to be fixed before going to rescue my sister Catina. Correctly, this would not be the end of the tire situation. For most of the day today all I managed to do was work on a new page for my online Journal. I’ve been trying to get it done for a few days now, but was determined to get it up and published today. A few days ago I started it and was having trouble with one of the blocks not wanting to work. Frustrated, I gave up thinking another day I might enjoy better luck. In between working on this new page with determination, I was also chatting with Wolfman. Like the previous day, since he’s working from home, he nonetheless has to go into the office to perform parts of his job. This afternoon I squandered the chance to communicate with him on the phone on his way there. So focused on building this web page I didn’t hear the phone go off. He had messaged and said he was headed to the office, and I could call since I had his number. By the time I saw his message it was too late. I was so frustrated with myself. How could I not hear the phone? It was right beside me. Discovering the message, I started texting him, hoping he would reply. As I was going to call, I chickened out. Unsure if I should be that bold so early on. When he finally replied, I assured him that the next time he was going to work to absolutely call me. I know I have his number but I am presently his, and he’s supposed to call if I don’t respond right away. He informed me that when he was done at the office he would telephone me on his way home. Which would turn out to not be so easy either. It felt like the universe was trying to prevent us from talking. 

Once again, I was back to building my web page. It was around 2:00 p.m. when my phone rang. First thought was it’s my baby, but when I looked at the phone it was an unrecognizable number. Forwarding the call to voicemail, I continued working on my new page. Not even 2 seconds later the identical number called back. This time I answered it and low and behold it was my therapist. Completely forgetting that I had called FCC yesterday to see if appointments were being canceled or what the status was, they told me I’d be doing my session over the phone. This doesn’t surprise me that I forgot. It’s been, well, months actually since I’ve been into the office to see her. Therefore, I was excited to hear her voice on the other end of the phone. This coronavirus is all but making normal day life and activities impossible. The primary topics we would discuss were my Journal, coronavirus, and coping skills for when I start to worry about things I can’t control. Our session would go until almost 2:50 p.m. About 10 minutes before we concluded, my baby started calling. He was on his way home and called me like he said he would. Yet again, I’m in the middle of a necessary call and can’t pick up. As my therapist and I were finishing up, I shot him a message real quick. I wanted him to know why I wasn’t answering. His car ride isn’t that long, so I desperately wanted my therapy session to end. If I missed both the car ride to the office, and the car right home, I would have been so irritated. 

Finally, I was on the phone with my baby, and we talked for just a little bit. This would be the first time that he would hear me be a little panicky. Trying to get off the phone with my therapist so I could speak to Wolfman made me very anxious and hyper. It barely requires anything and nothing major to set me off. At first I was worried, because I’m a lot to handle but wasn’t sure he needed to see all that right now. In fact I was concerned that he would be like, oh hell no this woman is crazy. When I get like this, there’s nothing I can do to conceal it. He picked up on it right away and to be honest I can’t recall what exactly he said, but it comforted me in only the way he knows how.

Back to the tire that I supposedly fixed yesterday. Around 5 p.m. Lou Lou contacted my sister while she was outside getting some fresh air. In the house still on the phone with Wolfman I believe, things get a little blurry here for me. My sister comes running in informing me that I needed to call Lou Lou’s job to find out about my tires. Apparently she was having to leave work early, because the tire I precisely had fixed was going flat again. To properly say I got upset would be an considerable understatement. The first thing I expected realistically was my sister was fibbing and merely desired for me to call and get her out of work early. This too would not surprise me because that’s a trick my sister engages in many times. I’m guessing I promptly cut my phone call short with my precious baby, because I called my sister at work. When she finally got on the phone, she was remarkably short and acted like the tire was flat and she needed to go now so she could get it aired up. At this point I have no clue what Wolfman thinks of me, and of course those thoughts of him never putting up with someone like myself cross my mind. I’m bi-polar and go from this, to that in no time flat. Unable to stay focused on what he was genuinely imagining about me, my sister comes in the door. To make a lengthy story short, the guy who fixed my tire in under 5 minutes caused the hole near the valve stem to get bigger. According to Walmart, my warranty is no longer any good because of the tread. Whatever that means. Now with my sister laid off, my nephew laid off, I’m directly responsible for a tired that I didn’t bust. My sister curb checked this tire awhile back to avoid getting hit. I’m elated she did, but in the process messed my 9 month old tire up. There was a slow leak, and I thought I managed to get that fixed yesterday. Presently when I get paid on the 3rd, I have to pay $61 for a repair that I didn’t cause. All this causes me to want to do is to never let anyone drive my car again. Lou Lou would go on to curb check again, this time the rear tire on the corresponding side busting my wheel cover to pieces. Now that’s two wheel covers I have to replace and 1 tire to repair, oh and yeah a headlight to buy. The more I write the madder I get. I barely managed to get the damn thing paid off last month, and it genuinely feels like it’s being worn into the ground by letting my sister borrow the car so much. Once I get the necessary repairs completed and get my car cleaned back up, a few necessary things are naturally going to instantly change. Frieda the Fusion will no longer be a Taxi for every Tom Dick and Hairy.

After all this I couldn’t possibly tell you the time, but I laid down to try and calm down. The considerable wear and tear that my sister has been putting on my car has been weighing heavy on me for a long time now. Every time I think about it I instantly feel like my back is up against the impenetrable wall. If I become the bitch who no longer escorts my sister and the nephew back and forth to work what kind of Aunt and Sister undoubtedly does that instantly make me? Exhausted at all this crap I dozed off.

Around 9 p.m. I woke up feeling scared and all alone. I had a nightmare but possessed no clue what it was about. Nothing! All I felt when I woke up was afraid and alone. Not excessively long ago I had this exact same feeling as I was having my last panic attack. However, this time when I felt this feeling I only required one person and that wasn’t my ex. All I desired was to be in the embrace of Wolfie’s arms. After getting my eyes situated on my face, I snatched my phone up and went to message my baby. I desired him more in this moment than I have up until this point of knowing him. When I opened up our messages, I instantly began to read what he had composed while I was asleep. I’m intentionally going to accurately record it here in my Journal, because I never want to lose the most charming things that ANYONE has ever expressed to me.

HE WROTE

 This is about us feeling good! Not just one of us. You will WANT to be with me because we make each other feel good not because I want you to make me feel good. Does that make sense baby? I can’t believe anyone didn’t care about making you feel good. You need to be with someone who cares about you as much as you care about them! I want to show you how you deserve to be treated. Not just sexually! You are such a beautiful person. Just relax and let me spoil my baby. I promise when we are together you will be treated like the lady you are. I will be so proud to have you by my side baby. I hate that you never had anyone treat you like you deserve to be treated. With love and respect. I will treat you like a lady in public but when WE are alone, WE will enjoy each other and both be satisfied. I can’t wait to make you mine and give you the life you deserve. It makes me sad you don’t know how amazing you are!! You made me feel again!! Over the internet baby!! No one has ever made me feel like you have. NO ONE!! I tease you and say it’s voodoo, but it’s really just unexplainable how much I feel for you. I don’t know how to explain my feelings about you. I know what I should say, but we just met. And we haven’t even met in person. My feelings for you are getting stronger every day. I don’t want to say anything or do anything that’s gonna scare you away. It makes me so happy just knowingly you are getting the rest you need. I want you to feel safe. I think if we are together, I will make you feel safe and you will blossom into the beautiful confident lady I know you are deep inside. Let me help you find that person I know that’s inside you. I just like spilling my feelings out to you. I’ve never been able to do that with anyone!! I want you to message me no matter what time you wake up baby!!

With a runny nose and my rosy face soaked with passionate tears, I messaged Wolfie just as he had humbly asked. More than likely if I wouldn’t have suffered the nightmare I probably would have slept throughout the night. As we were chatting, I couldn’t get the words that I had just read out of my mind. Repeatedly I kept reciting them, because I was in disbelief that I indeed read what I undoubtedly had. In the 27 years of relationships I was in, not one of them articulated these kinds of words to me. I’m not comparing one over the other, but not one of them said anything that caused me to feel like this message did. If he would have said this in person, I would have fallen passionately at his feet crying. Wolfie, know I hear you. Know the feelings are reciprocated, know I am as I’ve informed you, falling for you fast and hard.

Ultimately, I would get my new web page done for my Journal. It’s a simple landing page where all visitors will instantly start in my Journal. It’s a simple Welcome to my Journal and proper introduction of myself. I’ve included photos of myself before and after my transition, along with a specific section of my parents and siblings. It sounds straightforward and would ordinarily be, but for some reason WordPress blocks were acting up. I’m indeed glad it’s done, and it looks wonderful. While I was completing it Catina, my oldest sister went to Lou Lou’s house. They were down there for countless hours carefully taking apart a vacuum cleaner to clean it, then was trying to carefully place it back together. They earnestly tried calling me to come to assist them but for the first time Wolfie and me would realistically have our first late night chat on the phone. One I’ll never forget.

Sweet Dreams,
Bubbles 

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox.

Join 1,263 other followers

Posted in cabin fever, case manager, coronavirus aftermath, coronavirus covid-19, depression, emotions or emotional, fear, journaling, my car and issues, quotes and poems, relationships, stress, worrying

Music To My Ear

Image Credit: Pixabay

This journal entry is for both yesterday Wednesday, March 25th, and today Thursday, March 26th. Yesterday morning I needed to get out of this house, so I walked down to my sisters. Being told that I can’t go anyplace is different than not going anyplace because I choose not to. Why there’s a difference I don’t know, but it’s starting to cause cabin fever to set in. While I was at my sisters house my case manager called. With this coronavirus spreading like wildfire they no longer can do home visits. Therefore, now our meetings are over the phone until further notice. Yet again something else to isolate us. When she called, she asked if she could occupy 8 minutes of my time and of course I said yes. We primarily spoke about the spreading of the virus and ways to prevent it. Every week when she calls, she has to do a screening or check up to see if I have a fever, where I’ve been, have I been suspected of having the virus, just a bunch of questions pertaining to the coronavirus. After we were completed with that I described to her that I wasn’t worried too much about getting the virus and told her what worries me. She told me that she in fact hadn’t thought about it from my point of view and said that I was smart for thinking that way. My point of view and what I worry about don’t have anything to do with the virus, but everything to do with what it’s doing to the world’s economy and the effect that’s going to have on people’s minds and actions. The possible scenarios that play out in my enlightened mind are frightening. Our lively conversation lasted well over 8 minutes which I didn’t mind. It upsets me that the one person that I have contact with other than my brother and sisters can no longer at this point come to my house. We all better pray things get better before they get worse if not the world as we knew it is all but over. Once our conversation was done I came back home. Depressed, and now with all this on my mind I laid down for a nap. As I was falling asleep, all I could think about was Wolfman and the possibility that he and I may never get to meet.

It was around 12:30 p.m. yesterday afternoon when I laid down. At 8:15 a.m. this morning, I opened my eyes and felt confused. Reaching for my glasses, I flung them on and instantly grabbed my phone. Realizing that I’d slept all day yesterday and throughout the night I unlocked my phone and went to my messages. Panic set in as soon as I revealed Wolfman’s messages. The first thing that I observed was where he had changed our nicknames back to our regular names. By him doing this it informed me of what I needed to know. He thinks that I’ve been snubbing him, or I no longer want to talk to him. Before I read anymore I immediately messaged him back, with no reply I then called him without barely thinking. Thank the lord he didn’t pick up. That would have been the first time he ever heard my voice. My voice and my appearance do not match in the least bit, and I’m really self-conscious about it. We’ve talked about this, and I told him when I overcame my shyness that I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but this morning I didn’t care. When he didn’t answer I seriously started freaking out. Trying not to overreact I set my phone down and got up out of bed.

As I was partaking of my breakfast, I began checking my other notifications. There was one from my ex. He had messaged the night before while I was asleep. My leading thought was Wolfman. Even though I haven’t heard back from him yet, I would have the feeling of guilt if I were to message my ex back. Was I doing something wrong or is this betraying the guy I presently have feelings for? Telling myself that I would inform Wolfman if he ever messaged again, I messaged my ex back. We messaged very little like always, and that was it. Being nice, I told him if he was bored later to shoot me a text. Just like I figured I haven’t heard from him since. 

After I was done with my ex, I began flipping back up through the messages that Wolfman had written. My initial thought was how he could think that I’d given up or decided to run because of the mountain that we have to climb. It seemed like forever but in actuality it was only 15 or so minutes before he messaged back. He was on a conference call, so we couldn’t talk in length, I was just delighted he was there and talking to me again. As we were chatting, I provided my phone number to him. This way if I ever wasn’t responding he could blow up my phone until I answered. After we finished chatting, believe it or not I fell back to sleep. The next thing I knew was my phone was ringing and it was him. 

My heart sank, and I didn’t want to pick up the call, I was anxious to allow him to hear my voice. Reluctantly, I answered my phone. When I discovered his voice on the other end, like a wicked trick my shyness disappeared. What we talked about was not significant to me, other than letting him know my ex had messaged. Also explaining to him that I no longer want my ex in any way. Hearing Wolfman’s voice for the first time caused me to want him even more. Not sexually, yeah maybe a little, but meaning I want him all to myself. Hearing his voice established him more of a person and not just a phone. Literally it was music to my ear. Yes I wrote ear because I only have one that works. He would also call again on his way home from the office, this time there were no nerves answering at all. We spoke on his ride home, and to be honest I couldn’t tell you what about. Both times today when I heard his voice, I dissociated and my mind went elsewhere. Probably so I didn’t worry about my voice, but mainly because I was off in a dream world dreaming of what life would be like with this astonishing man.

your voice is now my favorite sound and your name is now my favorite noun

All afternoon I was also talking to my oldest sister. She was stranded out in the country and needed a ride. This caused me to get off my butt and get my flat tire fixed. With this coronavirus spreading, the automotive department at Walmart was closed except for emergency repairs. Since I had a warranty on my tires, I was allowed to come in. My youngest sister’s husband came over and took the flat one off and put my spare on, and off to Walmart I went. They had it fixed in no time flat and I was on my way home. Before heading out to get my sister, I informed Wolfman that I would be driving and wouldn’t be capable of answering if he messaged. There was no way I was going to make my baby worry if I didn’t answer promptly.

The trip was dreadful I tell you. An absolute nightmare. My eyesight isn’t the greatest anymore, and driving at night is, well not that easy. We finally made it to her and headed back home. I’m a little on edge over this infectious virus.  So, the first proper thing I naturally asked my sister was, is anyone in the house running a mild fever? Is anyone developing coughing problems, and is anyone having problems breathing? She respectfully informed me that none of that was going on and I essentially have placed her on my own quarantine rules. She’s a bit of a gypsy and likes to be on the move, but I’ve put a stop to that for the time being. Since I genuinely want my dear sister alive, and I don’t want the rare virus she’s on lock down at my house until further notice.

As soon as we got back, I messaged Wolfman to promptly let him know I made it home safe. My phone was virtually dead when I got back, and I informed him that I would message him after it charged for a while. When I messaged him, I received no reply, so I’m assuming he fell asleep. Until I hear from him again, I will do nothing but think of him and the pleasant sound of his voice. In fact I’ll probably dream of his gentle voice when I sleep tonight. Discovering his voice and feeling guilty when I messaged my ex back has adequately informed me that I genuinely possess emotional feelings for him. As soon as possible we need to scale this mountain, so we can start our steady lives together. 

Sweet Dreams

Nadia Darlene Mazonis