This evening has been a thousand percent better than the way my day started. My sisters and I ate our spaghetti dinner and after that we hung out and communicated for a while. One of the conversations we had was about my ex. As you would expect, I would be the one to introduce him into conversation. It seems like no matter what I do or how happy I am, he inevitably seems to peek a boo in my thoughts. Even though I’ve blocked his phone number, I nevertheless go and examine my blocked messages every day. Why do I do this? I’m so not in love with him any more. Terrified to death of him, I’d under no circumstances be with him alone again. He holds so much resentment for me that the first argument or disagreement we had I’d get my ass kicked if not killed. So, why do I go and check to see if he’s messaged me? Before long my nephew called my sister, he needed her to come home to help him with something. We said our goodbyes and she was out the door.
Obviously the reason I brought him up this evening was I had been thinking about him a lot since I blocked him. How is he doing? Is he and everyone else in his house healthy? Knowing he lives in the second most coronavirus infected state in America frightens me. All I can do is pray for him which makes me feel helpless.The big question is, when he does finally message me, if he does, will I be strong enough to ignore him? I’d say right now if I checked my blocked messages and there was one from him, probably not. However, the longer he stays blocked and the longer he doesn’t message me the stronger I’ll be. At that point the sole way I’d respond to him is if he said he was dying.
When I first informed Wolfie that I finally blocked my ex, he told me I shouldn’t have. Not sure exactly what he remarked, but it was something like he’d rather me talk to him than to see me stress over him. He went on to say he knew that there were feelings I needed to resolve before cutting my ex off. Do I? At this point I thought I resolved my feelings for him over and over again. When I received the response from my ex that I did in our final messages, it squashed everything I identified with him. Or did it? How this man obtains this insight and already grasps who I am as a person, simply amazes me.
Wolfie and I didn’t talk too frequently this evening because he had things to accomplish around the house. One day I hope that I can be there to assist him with housework and maybe one day yard work. It would be charming to enjoy a modest routine life with this brilliant man. Up to this point we’ve spoken barely about the giant mountain that we are now climbing. However, it did come up in a roundabout way tonight. Not a lot was figured out or discussed, and if we are referring to feet advanced up this mountain I’d say we moved half an inch. I’m going to remain optimistic and patient about this journey and exclusively think of a favorable outcome.
Besides Wolfie and my ex, I can’t seem to get JP out of my mind. He too plays peek a boo in my thoughts daily. I’m thinking there was something between him and I that I squandered away. Not that I regret my decision, but I often question if he would have been in the United States would I have thrown what we had away? This gentleman obviously made an enormous impression on me, and I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. The last time I wrote about JP I had received one email from him. I never did get around to reading it before another one came in. Tonight I will again attempt to read and respond to these emails. It’s only fair to him if I do. With all this craziness going on with this virus, I genuinely worry about him. France is the sixth most infected country with 4,032 deaths, which is fourth highest in the world. I’m anxious to find out how he’s been.
As I introduce this concluding section which is about myself I desired it to be positive and uplifting. However, it’s unfathomable for me to talk eagerly about working relentlessly on my lifelong goals, hopes and dreams when I truly feel like the world is forever changed from this damn virus. Specific goals? Other than Wolfie they all have been put on hold until we find out what the modern world is advancing to look like after the corrupt politicians and elite media get done with it. Absolutely, the engineered virus is spreading, but it’s the wealthy people in direct control of the key message that’s undoubtedly doing the most damage. Hopes? God I sincerely hope the coronavirus doesn’t cause the world that we live in to be drastically changed. Dreams? Conscientiously, I dream of a lot, but none of them will come true if the possible scenarios in my head play out. All I’m desperately attempting to assert is I genuinely feel like my personal life has been put on pause. Everything that I eagerly anticipated and carefully considered is preserved in time in front of me. When will this humanitarian nightmare be over? They say nervously the quarantine will be cautiously lifted on April 30th, that remains to be seen.
Going to bed at 1 a.m. Monday morning and waking up at 4 a.m. Wednesday morning you’d think I was sufficiently set.
Then why is it that all I can think about is passing back out? The first thing on my mind, when I finally became conscious, was this coronavirus and Wolfman. While I was asleep, I had a nightmare that my nephew who is in foster care contracted this horrible virus. Afraid of what the outcome was more than likely going to be, I remember waking myself up for a few minutes and talking to my sister Catina. My hopes were that when I fell back to sleep it would be gone out of my thoughts. Thank God they were, and I was able to sleep peacefully. Why did I dream of my nephew? Did this mean something? I’ll never know, though, because I don’t know where he lives any longer and have no contact with him.
As I was falling asleep, I thought about Wolfie and the situation that he told me about. Before I passed out, I had grabbed my phone to try and message him. Out of sorts and my brain not functioning properly, I couldn’t get my phone unlocked. Frustrated, I passed out. The situation I’m talking about is, he found out on Monday I believe it was that his company due to the virus fired many people. He wasn’t one of them, but all I could think about was the people who no longer have a job. What were they doing now with this virus spreading, unable to find work elsewhere?
When I woke up this morning, the first thing I did was message Wolfman. I knew he had called yesterday because my sister told me my phone was going crazy. We are in the very early stages of our relationship, and he’s learning fast I sleep hard when I do get sleeping. I’m sure he’s freaking out and now all I can do is wait for his reply. When he finally messaged me, I was relieved that he hadn’t over reacted like the last time he couldn’t get a hold of me. One of the first things he informed me was that someone in his household started getting sick yesterday. As soon as he told me what their symptoms were, I began to panic. I’m getting so depressed from all this. Their symptoms? A cough and fever, which are two of the main symptoms of the coronavirus. With my anxiety at its tipping point, I began messaging very quickly. How he’s capable to pick up on this I’ll never know, but he did. He told me to calm down and to breath. Like he’s done in the past, he soothed my nerves and before I knew it my mind was on something else. We chatted for a bit then he had to get in the shower to start his work day.
Worry, worried, and worrying is probably words that I use too often, but with everything that is going on I’m not surprised. Worrying my entire life about everything, even things I can’t control make it hard for me to focus many times. Panic, panicking, and freak out are also words I use too much. These are the effects of all the worrying that I can’t seem to control. One thing that writing in my journal does is make me aware of things like this and enables me to notice it, and then to work on those issues. It’s time I implement some skills I’ve learnt in therapy and use them more often.
Look around the room you’re in, and pick out everything that is red, circular, and square shaped. This is a good exercise for anyone to try if they find themselves fixated on something and can’t stop thinking about it. It doesn’t have to be exactly what I just mentioned either, you can choose anything. This is why this exercise is so effective. You can be anywhere and choose anything you want. For example, you’re at the park, pick out everything that is green, soft, and hard. If you’re overthinking about something, try it, and your mind will stop being focused on what is bothering you at that current time. I’m unsure of the name of this exercise, but that’s unimportant. What’s important is it works.
Having no food in the house made me leave my safe place this morning. Since I’ve been up, I’ve done nothing but stress, so getting out of the house I THOUGHT would get my mind off the coronavirus. As my sister and I walked into Walmart the first thing, I noticed was the number of people sanitizing their shopping cart handles. BAM! The reality of the situation was in my face, and I instantly started to, here’s the word again…panic. The next thing I noticed of course was the many people who were wearing face masks and gloves. This really got to me, and I wanted out of this store immediately. I’m from a remarkably minor town where there has only just been one case reported in the entire county, and now we are wearing face masks and gloves? Once I saw both of these things my ass kicked into high gear. My goal was to touch as little as possible and get the hell back home. My short-legged sister who had to execute four steps to my one, could barely could keep up. We obtained what we required and were out the door. When we both sat down in the car, I had to regain my breath before pulling out. Practically running through the store I guess and wasn’t noticing, when we sat down we both were visibly panting.
Thankful to be back at home, we unloaded the car and right away cleansed our hands. Before I partook of my breakfast I began sneezing, not just sneezing but SNEEZING. So many times that my stomach muscles started to hurt. It ultimately stopped, and I was capable to eat. However, I still feel the need to sneeze but I completely keep trying not to think about it. After being cooped up in the house for so many days it’s probably just some sort of allergy to something outside.
After I ate my breakfast Wolfie and I started messaging. Even with everything that’s going on and how overwhelmed I may be, this man seems to cut right through it all and causes me to feel at peace. We didn’t talk long, but before going back to work he informed me that he would contact me on his way to the office. Now excited, I’m waiting for his call to come through.
I’ve obeyed the quarantine orders pretty much so far, but tonight I’m violating one of their suggested rules. My siblings like myself generally stay at home so I’m not really concerned with them introducing the virus into my home. Ergo, tonight I plan on cooking a big spaghetti dinner for my sisters and nephew. I’ve not talked to my brother in awhile just because anytime I do it’s a drama filled experience. Presently with everything that’s going on, I’ve been thinking of him more than I ordinarily do.
It’s only 1 p.m. in the afternoon and it seems like it should realistically be8 p.m. this evening. Probably just because of how much and how fast my mind has been active today. I’m going to rest before this evening, and more than likely I’ll dutifully record another journal entry tonight. Until then Stay safe and stay inside.