Have you repeatedly tried to forget something that was painful?
How did you allow yourself to forget and to feel better? It seems like I’ve attempted everything in the book to let Nicholas go, yet for some reason he’s always lurking nearby in my head and heart. Pushing and stuffing emotions to the back obviously wasn’t the answer. Filing memories to the back of my brain also didn’t work. Now, I know that even lying to myself isn’t going to make him vanish from my soul. So, what else can I do? Two days ago was the anniversary of my break-up with Nicholas. That day used to bother me so much that it almost crippled me. The people around me could visibly see I was down or that something was bothering me. This month they nor myself thought anything of it. Emotionally I felt good other than I thought I was getting a little depressed. Today however, I remembered and noticed a few things after processing the past few days.
When I recorded in my journal that it felt good not to hurt over this anniversary I meant every word I put down. As a matter of fact, I didn’t hurt or get emotional the day before the anniversary, the anniversary day, or the day after. None of it seemed to be bothering me anymore, and I was truly grateful and relieved about it. Shoving and pushing back the painful memories so far that I didn’t feel them anymore worked. What didn’t work? Getting rid of the HOLD that Nick and my love for him still unconsciously have on me.
One of the first things I noticed today is I haven’t written in my journal for a few days. Recently I’ve been writing every day and really enjoying it. It’s actually very therapeutic and does good things for me emotionally and mentally. However, for the past two or three days it’s been extremely tough to even think about writing. After going over everything, now I know it’s because I’d have to write about my feelings of a relationship that has tragically come to an end.
Another thing I remember now that I’m looking back is, I noticed two days ago that I was pulling away from Wolfie. He and I have been great, genuinely better than great so why was I pulling away? When I observed this, I was perplexed. Having no clue why, I simply ignored it and assumed it was a depressive downslope setting in. Living with bi-polar this is something that I’m used to. When Wolfie and I talked tonight, we spoke about all this. He seemed confused, and now he’s hurt. He and I both are in sticky situations. His situation being obligational and mine being emotional. Neither one of these situations takes away my feelings for Wolfie, so all I can do is ask him to be patient. I’ve been extremely patient with his situation, now it’s his turn.
Tonight as I was texting Nicholas this all became very clear to me. Not because of the context of our conversation, but because of a sound. A sound not forgotten, but rather pushed so far back in my mind and heart so that it wouldn’t hurt anymore. Right before our break-up I brought home a black and white cat for Nicholas. As we were chatting, he sent me a video of Sylvester that cat. Nick was wanting me to see how big he had gotten, because the last time I saw him he was just a kitten. When I launched the video, the first thing I thought was wow; Sylvester had got huge. In the video, Nicholas was patting the cat on the butt like he habitually used to do. Ergo, the only thing I saw was the fat cat and Nick’s arm. All I could properly hear was Sylvester purring until Nick spoke naturally. When I heard his musical voice, it instantly felt like someone captured a slice of my bleeding heart. As soon as the vibrations of sound entered my favorable ear, I lost it. When I heeded his distinctive voice, everything that I valiantly attempted to tuck away and abandon undoubtedly came instantly rushing all over me. When I inadvertently released my phone and heard it hit the ground I instantly began to cry uncontrollably. Genuinely I knew in that precise moment I was still madly in love.
All the meaningful progress I considered I had achieved, accurately represents an artificial sense of emotional security. This is one of two emotional situations I can’t seem to get over. The other one being the death of my mother. Just like inevitably losing her, will I never get over Nicholas? Not having my dear mother has severely affected me every miserable day since October 31, 1996, and I’m naturally assuming it will till the glorious day I undoubtedly die. If the same thing inevitably happens with the profound loss of Nicholas, I’m going to go insane, if I’m not there already. Falling out of overwhelming love with someone who isn’t in mutual love with you should be easy I would naturally think. However, I’m assuredly finding it impossible just like overcoming the established fact of tragically losing my late mother. Tonight I inadvertently discovered that, just like my mothers voice, I’ll never forget Nicholas’s.