Posted in dead man walking, emotions or emotional, fear, journaling, mental health

Ringmaster Of My Circus

 Image Credit: Google & Pexels

Writer’s block or an emotional block? Whichever, I need it to go away.

 When I began my peer-reviewed journal 3 months ago I was a little bit apprehensive. At the time, I was nervous about willingly allowing people to have front row seats to my three ring circus. My abundance of emotions carefully performing on the trapeze, and my personal thoughts racing around the ring like monkeys on miniature motorcycles. Dreadfully, these are my monkeys and this is my circus. 

That wasn’t the exclusive thing that I was hesitant about. In addition, there was the established fact that I’m not a writer. Realistically being a brilliant writer I knew wouldn’t happen, sounding like a baboon which found a keyboard was my fear. The question I acknowledged and proposed to myself was, could I comprehensively express through writing all my irrational thoughts and emotions. With no writing experience, and not thoroughly comprehending them myself, I wasn’t convinced that I could successfully pull it off. 

For almost 5 years, when I would think about starting a published journal these two things would repeatedly paralyze me. One, embarrassed about being hyper emotional, two, the genuine fear of being laughed at. For some apparent reason however, 3 months after the emotional separation with my fiance, these two things didn’t matter to me anymore. Not really certain why this is, but it was a profound relief. At long last, I could launch something that would be beneficial to my mental health. 

In the beginning when I started writing, my thoughts and emotions flowed out effortlessly. Out of my imaginative mind to my fingers like water rushing out of a pinned up damn. Lately, it’s the complete opposite. My thoughts are short firing and racing all over the place. My overwhelming emotions are stunned to a point of not knowing how to inevitably feel. With everything that’s been going on with my ex, this doesn’t surprise me in the least.

Either I have writer’s block, or I’m suffering from an emotional block. Whichever it is, I merely desire it to end.  Having all these racing thoughts and emotions in my bewildered head is too much. It’s aggravating me being unable to release them in writing. Up to this point, writing in my journal has been beneficial to my mental health. Now with this blockage it’s hurting my mental stability.

Carefully moving past a writer’s block I would think taking a break would be sufficient. Therefore, I’ve been doing just that. This emotional block, if that’s what’s going on, I have no idea where to start. For many years, I’ve been conscientiously working on the ability to manage my emotions. For as long as I can remember I’ve never retained absolute control of them. They’ve been in the driver seat my entire life, and I’m at a terrible loss on how to take the wheel.

A thought just popped into my head. Don’t you love when that happens? Conceivably it’s neither writer’s block or an emotional block that’s preventing me from expressing myself openly. This started after my ex engaged in his little mind game with me. Could this have made the reasons, “fears” that originally prevented me from starting my journal in the first place return? I’ve never understood why those fears left, so who’s to say his mind game didn’t cause them to resurface. If this in fact is the reason, I steadfastly refuse to cower down. Especially to fears drummed up by a narcissistic fool.

Those fears were unreasonable. Also, they aren’t necessary. Not wanting to experience my life through a lens of fear, I started working on that, and have achieved some success. For that reason I will not allow this or him to set me back. To think he possibly could be the cause of my blockage makes me nauseous. The question is, will I willingly grant him this much power and mental control over me?

my circus my monkeys i'm freakin ringmaster

As the ringmaster of my circus and these monkeys, there’s not a chance in hell. Pack your bags, I have retired your act.

Until Next time

Nadia  

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