Ringmaster Of My Circus

 Image Credit: Google & Pexels

Writer’s block or an emotional block? Whichever, I need it to go away.

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 When I began my peer-reviewed journal 3 months ago I was a little bit apprehensive. At the time, I was nervous about willingly allowing people to have front row seats to my three ring circus. My abundance of emotions carefully performing on the trapeze, and my personal thoughts racing around the ring like monkeys on miniature motorcycles. Dreadfully, these are my monkeys and this is my circus. 

That wasn’t the exclusive thing that I was hesitant about. In addition, there was the established fact that I’m not a writer. Realistically being a brilliant writer I knew wouldn’t happen, sounding like a baboon which found a keyboard was my fear. The question I acknowledged and proposed to myself was, could I comprehensively express through writing all my irrational thoughts and emotions. With no writing experience, and not thoroughly comprehending them myself, I wasn’t convinced that I could successfully pull it off. 

For almost 5 years, when I would think about starting a published journal these two things would repeatedly paralyze me. One, embarrassed about being hyper emotional, two, the genuine fear of being laughed at. For some apparent reason however, 3 months after the emotional separation with my fiance, these two things didn’t matter to me anymore. Not really certain why this is, but it was a profound relief. At long last, I could launch something that would be beneficial to my mental health. 

In the beginning when I started writing, my thoughts and emotions flowed out effortlessly. Out of my imaginative mind to my fingers like water rushing out of a pinned up damn. Lately, it’s the complete opposite. My thoughts are short firing and racing all over the place. My overwhelming emotions are stunned to a point of not knowing how to inevitably feel. With everything that’s been going on with my ex, this doesn’t surprise me in the least.

Either I have writer’s block, or I’m suffering from an emotional block. Whichever it is, I merely desire it to end.  Having all these racing thoughts and emotions in my bewildered head is too much. It’s aggravating me being unable to release them in writing. Up to this point, writing in my journal has been beneficial to my mental health. Now with this blockage it’s hurting my mental stability.

Carefully moving past a writer’s block I would think taking a break would be sufficient. Therefore, I’ve been doing just that. This emotional block, if that’s what’s going on, I have no idea where to start. For many years, I’ve been conscientiously working on the ability to manage my emotions. For as long as I can remember I’ve never retained absolute control of them. They’ve been in the driver seat my entire life, and I’m at a terrible loss on how to take the wheel.

A thought just popped into my head. Don’t you love when that happens? Conceivably it’s neither writer’s block or an emotional block that’s preventing me from expressing myself openly. This started after my ex engaged in his little mind game with me. Could this have made the reasons, “fears” that originally prevented me from starting my journal in the first place return? I’ve never understood why those fears left, so who’s to say his mind game didn’t cause them to resurface. If this in fact is the reason, I steadfastly refuse to cower down. Especially to fears drummed up by a narcissistic fool.

Those fears were unreasonable. Also, they aren’t necessary. Not wanting to experience my life through a lens of fear, I started working on that, and have achieved some success. For that reason I will not allow this or him to set me back. To think he possibly could be the cause of my blockage makes me nauseous. The question is, will I willingly grant him this much power and mental control over me?

As the ringmaster of my circus and these monkeys, there’s not a chance in hell. Pack your bags, I have retired your act.

Until Next time

Nadia  

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Emotionally Discombobulated

Image Credit ~ Google, Pixabay, Canva

For two miserable days, I’ve been emotionally discombobulated wandering aimlessly around this apartment

Instinctively, I assumed it to be the dead man, naturally playing amongst the strings of my raw emotions, but it wasn’t. My sister Lou Lou came over to drop off my keys and during our conversation it became abundantly clear. As we were sitting here in the living room talking, my sister asks me.  “Can you believe mother would have been 65 years old today if she were still alive?” Just like that, like turning on a light switch, my entire emotional roller coaster was explained.  

What amazes me is how I can be unaware it’s her birthday but subconsciously it still affects me. It’s been like that since her passing. And has been for two days now. Forgetting her birthdate is one thing but it’s impossible to not notice the whole month of October. Typically every year as September is coming to an end, I start getting sadder and more depressed. That’s how it continues grimly till the 31st of October. It’s virtually like the identical thing how the dead man’s and my relationship plays over from the beginning to the end on a repeat player. That is what happens with me the month of her death.

From the front of this apartment to the back, I can detect the dead man’s unavoidable presence in every room. Starting in the kitchen where I used to diligently prepare our meals. Since he left, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve turned my stove on. Next heading back to the closet where his clothes used to hang, that’s still a negative space I avoid if at all possible. In this apartment that he and I found, no desolate corner is safe. Whatever corner I go for to try and find an emotional moment of peace, I find him there waiting for me. I don’t even utilize what used to be our bedroom. To be honest, I don’t use the back side of the apartment at all. Those three spaces and the kitchen are like black holes to me. His overpowering presence in this apartment is extremely haunting. There are even times like last night I could believe he was staring at me from behind.

Right after the dead man moved and went back home with his mammy, I earnestly believed I needed to stay in this apartment. Afraid to lose the one thing I had left of him. Now 6 months later and a plethora of mental games, I’ve never wanted to move as much as I do now. When I started contemplating this move, I kept getting caught up on something. Fact is, if I move my sister and nephew would be stranded here without reliable transportation. This isn’t my problem, I’m aware of that. However, by heart being the person that I am, it’s undoubtedly going to be hard for me to selfishly abandon them. Abandoning them here without a way to work, shop, everything I don’t imagine my heart will allow. All I can do is pray about it and leave it in God’s hands.

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 There’s not a way to sugar coat the fact that I’m being emotionally dissolved from within. Of course, it’s tearing me apart that I’m never allowing myself to talk to the dead again. However, do I think it’s necessary?Absolutely I do. Do I harbor love for him? Yes, I do, but that does not mean that I’m IN love with the dead. My schedule is all booked up, and all time slots for little boys who like playing mind games are full. Not one bit do I desire to be mentally toyed with by a narcissistic dead man. I already have enough on my plate for him to be adding his games. 

My emotional limit has been reached. Any more I’ll be past the point of return. The last time I felt anywhere near how I’m feeling at present, I tried extinguishing my own life. There was not one ounce of fun in attempting to snuff out my life. Once I was consciously aware of where I was, and what I had done. I relinquished all control of my emotions. Weeping, the first possible thing I did was humbly thank God. For graciously allowing me to continue living life. Genuinely I knew without him I would have died. In that extraordinary moment I made a promise to both myself and to god, that under no circumstance would I attempt that again. Ultimately, God allowed me to continue living. On top of that, he provided me with the clear understanding that I’m on this planet for a reason. The fact that I lived meant whatever my purpose is, it hasn’t been completed. From this experience in my life, I will pull the much needed strength and courage to forget I ever encountered this enraged dead man. 

“i rely my chaos and the light more than my silence and the nights as it paves a way through all the dark loneliness that used to haunt me in the midnights when a part of me surrounded by you, left along with you.” -Aayushi-

yourquote.in

Until next time

Nadia

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Enough Is Enough

Image Credit: Pixabay & Google

Have you ever had enough of something that you just can’t take any longer?Anything? Well, I have and Nicholas, enough is enough!

I’ve deleted what I’ve written 4,854 times. Each time I try being as nice and polite as I can be. Yet, each time getting more pissed off because I shouldn’t have to be polite or nice. Especially to someone who is playing with my mind. This is my journal, and this is where I am allowed to come and let it out.

 To some, what I’m about to say may be on the extreme side of things. Yes, I’d probably agree with you on most days. However in the past, to get over a relationship that has ended, this is where I have to go. If not, I’m not able to move on. Up until this point with Nick, I’ve refused to go here because I wanted to do things differently. What I’ve finally realized is that with Nick I’m going to have to go here.

Waking up this morning I was angry and disoriented. If my sister hadn’t come over, I would have still believed I’d died and woke up in an alternate universe. Most of the anger that I harbor is towards myself. Furious that I still allow this fool to blatantly play mind games with me? Why do I keep allowing it? Is it because of love? This doesn’t feel like love; I know what love feels like. I’m angry with myself because I’ll say in one breath I’m done with his bull shit, and in the next breath I’m in the state of mind that I’m currently in. Enough is enough!

This time I’ve actually had enough of it Nicholas! Mentally, I’m allowing you to check me into the nearest mental ward, and I’m not fighting back at all. Emotionally, I’ve already allowed you to mold me into someone completely unfamiliar to whom I was when we met. Without any elaboration, my body and heart can’t take it any longer. If I allow you to maintain this grip on me, then I’m allowing you to ruin me from within. This I won’t allow Nicholas, and for that reason, you are now dead to me.

Never will I text you again. Remember Nicholas; I’m not supposed to text dead people. Never again will I email you. Recall Nicholas; I’m not supposed to talk to the forgotten dead at all? Never again will I call you like I foolishly tried to tonight for the first desperate time in nearly 6 terrible months. Recall Nicholas; dead people aren’t supposed to talk. You restricted my main number and forwarded my secondary number. You dismissed all my desperate pleas to merely utter anything even if it inevitably was a get lost. In that very moment, I realized I was desperately trying to get a hold of a dead man. Enough is enough!

By foolishly allowing a dead person to affect me, in turn allowed him to rob me of my new hopes and dreams with Ricardo.  For one moment, don’t think I’m unaware this was your ultimate end game. Even down to you being vocal on the video that inevitably affected me in the personal way that it did. You’re aware of what you’re executing, you’re a narcissist and manipulator just like your,……… never mind I’m not going to go there. All of it was intentional, and that was your last hoo raw at my emotional expense.

I’ve comfortably accommodated you enough Nicholas, and allowed enough of your head games. You are hereby DEAD to me!

Good Riddance
Nadia Darlene Mazonis

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When I’m Ready

Image Credit: Pixabay / Google

How do I write about overwhelming thoughts and feeling that I haven’t processed or felt yet? 

Two dreadful things happened over the past week that have rendered me emotionally dead. Up first is Ricardo who called it off between the two of us in a text that was like a novel, jokingly said. Second up is Nicholas, during what realistically was a pleasant conversation ghosted me. Like truly ghosted me and refuses to acknowledge I exist. I’m dumbfounded. These two things happened within a day or two apart. It was like a menacing presence came into my heart and stole my emotional core.  

Before all this took place I was already intensely focused on learning as much as I possibly could about SEO practices. After these two things happened, I went at it even harder, sticking my nose to the screen and not looking up.

When I’m ready, I will deal with the pain that is on its way. However tonight, I’m allowing the feeling of dying miserably on the inside to continue. Until I’m adequately prepared, this topic goes on the back burner.

Until Next Time

Nadia 

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It Is What It Is

Image Credit: Pixabay / Google

Should I remain single?

 That’s the question I’ve been mulling over since Ricardo decided that he couldn’t handle me still being in love with Nicholas. Considering he already knew this, why did he continue to play games with my head? Then I have the man-child in New Jersey who still insists on playing mind games with me too. Three or four days ago he and I were texting and getting along great. Well, I thought so anyways. Nick had sent me a meme about single men going to the athletic facility to impress all the whores, and how men in relationships get fed cake by their girlfriends to make them fat. Joking, I was like I’m going to cook you two cakes. The conversation turned into he’d rather have my taters, steak, and corn on the cob, and I told him I’m going to make him eat seconds. We said a few more things and the last text he sent was a crying emoji, nothing since.

At this point, after sending a message today with no response, I’m truly thinking I’m done with men. There’s Ricardo thinking I did one way streets, simultaneously Nick being an arrogant prick, I’m totally turned off with men and relationships now. What I wonder is how long that feeling is going to last. Now that I’ve been living alone for almost half of a year? I’m not so sure I want to make the necessary changes needed for a relationship to survive. Not having to make any adjustments to the way I live my life actually sounds awesome. For a relationship to work, each person involved has to make compromises and self-sacrifices. After thinking a great deal about everything that’s happened with these two men, I don’t think I want to or am ready to make those compromises or sacrifices. Truly I’m happy with being able to do what I want, when I want. If I want to cook, that’s great. If I don’t want to cook, that’s okay too. Go to sleep when I want to and not be made to go to bed. Being able to go on and on about things I don’t want to compromise I have to change the subject. What I’m saying is I’ve naturally gotten comfortable being single. Enough about these two losers, I want to talk about something that I’m really interested in.

When I established this Journal website and began to work in the WordPress program, it was rather involved and very much confusing. However, I eventually learned what I needed to so I could post on the internet. As time goes by, I keep getting deeper into how things work in the online world and learning how to design websites. Thank the gracious lord that WordPress does the majority of the work because I’d never be capable of doing it any other way. There are so many terms, definitions, and codes that I’m swimming in them up to my eyeballs. I’m loving it though. The coolest thing I’ve discovered so far is that there are these programs; I expect their programs. Anyway, there are these things called spiders that do inspections on every website. They run in the background reading all the codes collecting tons of information. Wonder why they call them spiders?

Currently, I’m tweaking my site to improve my SEO rating for Nadia’s Personal Journal. I’ve been running these spiders to investigate my work and to see if I’m making progress, and I am! The more I learn the more I like it. It feels extraordinary to be able to exercise my befuddled brain. Educating myself is something I absolutely enjoy, and the enjoyment is intensified since it’s something I discovered I thoroughly like. For all one reasonably knows this could be my unknown ideal relationship. Why do I say that? Well, if someone came into my life at this particular moment and it got serious? They would undoubtedly have to willingly take a backseat to my online journal, website, and writing. That wouldn’t be fair to the unfortunate fellow, and I’m not compromising any more, so it is what it is. 

Sweet Dreams
Nadia Darlene Mazonis 

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