Posted in dead man walking, emotions or emotional, fear, journaling, mental health

Ringmaster Of My Circus

 Image Credit: Google & Pexels

Writer’s block or an emotional block? Whichever, I need it to go away.

 When I began my peer-reviewed journal 3 months ago I was a little bit apprehensive. At the time, I was nervous about willingly allowing people to have front row seats to my three ring circus. My abundance of emotions carefully performing on the trapeze, and my personal thoughts racing around the ring like monkeys on miniature motorcycles. Dreadfully, these are my monkeys and this is my circus. 

That wasn’t the exclusive thing that I was hesitant about. In addition, there was the established fact that I’m not a writer. Realistically being a brilliant writer I knew wouldn’t happen, sounding like a baboon which found a keyboard was my fear. The question I acknowledged and proposed to myself was, could I comprehensively express through writing all my irrational thoughts and emotions. With no writing experience, and not thoroughly comprehending them myself, I wasn’t convinced that I could successfully pull it off. 

For almost 5 years, when I would think about starting a published journal these two things would repeatedly paralyze me. One, embarrassed about being hyper emotional, two, the genuine fear of being laughed at. For some apparent reason however, 3 months after the emotional separation with my fiance, these two things didn’t matter to me anymore. Not really certain why this is, but it was a profound relief. At long last, I could launch something that would be beneficial to my mental health. 

In the beginning when I started writing, my thoughts and emotions flowed out effortlessly. Out of my imaginative mind to my fingers like water rushing out of a pinned up damn. Lately, it’s the complete opposite. My thoughts are short firing and racing all over the place. My overwhelming emotions are stunned to a point of not knowing how to inevitably feel. With everything that’s been going on with my ex, this doesn’t surprise me in the least.

Either I have writer’s block, or I’m suffering from an emotional block. Whichever it is, I merely desire it to end.  Having all these racing thoughts and emotions in my bewildered head is too much. It’s aggravating me being unable to release them in writing. Up to this point, writing in my journal has been beneficial to my mental health. Now with this blockage it’s hurting my mental stability.

Carefully moving past a writer’s block I would think taking a break would be sufficient. Therefore, I’ve been doing just that. This emotional block, if that’s what’s going on, I have no idea where to start. For many years, I’ve been conscientiously working on the ability to manage my emotions. For as long as I can remember I’ve never retained absolute control of them. They’ve been in the driver seat my entire life, and I’m at a terrible loss on how to take the wheel.

A thought just popped into my head. Don’t you love when that happens? Conceivably it’s neither writer’s block or an emotional block that’s preventing me from expressing myself openly. This started after my ex engaged in his little mind game with me. Could this have made the reasons, “fears” that originally prevented me from starting my journal in the first place return? I’ve never understood why those fears left, so who’s to say his mind game didn’t cause them to resurface. If this in fact is the reason, I steadfastly refuse to cower down. Especially to fears drummed up by a narcissistic fool.

Those fears were unreasonable. Also, they aren’t necessary. Not wanting to experience my life through a lens of fear, I started working on that, and have achieved some success. For that reason I will not allow this or him to set me back. To think he possibly could be the cause of my blockage makes me nauseous. The question is, will I willingly grant him this much power and mental control over me?

my circus my monkeys i'm freakin ringmaster

As the ringmaster of my circus and these monkeys, there’s not a chance in hell. Pack your bags, I have retired your act.

Until Next time

Nadia  

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Posted in dead man walking, emotions or emotional, haunting memories, heart-ache, my mother

Emotionally Discombobulated

Image Credit ~ Google, Pixabay, Canva

For two miserable days, I’ve been emotionally discombobulated wandering aimlessly around this apartment

what and black graphic for emotionally discombobulated adj. confused or uncertain

Instinctively, I assumed it to be the dead man, naturally playing amongst the strings of my raw emotions, but it wasn’t. My sister Lou Lou came over to drop off my keys and during our conversation it became abundantly clear. As we were sitting here in the living room talking, my sister asks me.  “Can you believe mother would have been 65 years old today if she were still alive?” Just like that, like turning on a light switch, my entire emotional roller coaster was explained.  

What amazes me is how I can be unaware it’s her birthday but subconsciously it still affects me. It’s been like that since her passing. And has been for two days now. Forgetting her birthdate is one thing but it’s impossible to not notice the whole month of October. Typically every year as September is coming to an end, I start getting sadder and more depressed. That’s how it continues grimly till the 31st of October. It’s virtually like the identical thing how the dead man’s and my relationship plays over from the beginning to the end on a repeat player. That is what happens with me the month of her death.

sunflower field woman with straw hat sunny day happy birthday in heaven mamma

From the front of this apartment to the back, I can detect the dead man’s unavoidable presence in every room. Starting in the kitchen where I used to diligently prepare our meals. Since he left, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve turned my stove on. Next heading back to the closet where his clothes used to hang, that’s still a negative space I avoid if at all possible. In this apartment that he and I found, no desolate corner is safe. Whatever corner I go for to try and find an emotional moment of peace, I find him there waiting for me. I don’t even utilize what used to be our bedroom. To be honest, I don’t use the back side of the apartment at all. Those three spaces and the kitchen are like black holes to me. His overpowering presence in this apartment is extremely haunting. There are even times like last night I could believe he was staring at me from behind.

Right after the dead man moved and went back home with his mammy, I earnestly believed I needed to stay in this apartment. Afraid to lose the one thing I had left of him. Now 6 months later and a plethora of mental games, I’ve never wanted to move as much as I do now. When I started contemplating this move, I kept getting caught up on something. Fact is, if I move my sister and nephew would be stranded here without reliable transportation. This isn’t my problem, I’m aware of that. However, by heart being the person that I am, it’s undoubtedly going to be hard for me to selfishly abandon them. Abandoning them here without a way to work, shop, everything I don’t imagine my heart will allow. All I can do is pray about it and leave it in God’s hands.

 There’s not a way to sugar coat the fact that I’m being emotionally dissolved from within. Of course, it’s tearing me apart that I’m never allowing myself to talk to the dead again. However, do I think it’s necessary?Absolutely I do. Do I harbor love for him? Yes, I do, but that does not mean that I’m IN love with the dead. My schedule is all booked up, and all time slots for little boys who like playing mind games are full. Not one bit do I desire to be mentally toyed with by a narcissistic dead man. I already have enough on my plate for him to be adding his games. 

My emotional limit has been reached. Any more I’ll be past the point of return. The last time I felt anywhere near how I’m feeling at present, I tried extinguishing my own life. There was not one ounce of fun in attempting to snuff out my life. Once I was consciously aware of where I was, and what I had done. I relinquished all control of my emotions. Weeping, the first possible thing I did was humbly thank God. For graciously allowing me to continue living life. Genuinely I knew without him I would have died. In that extraordinary moment I made a promise to both myself and to god, that under no circumstance would I attempt that again. Ultimately, God allowed me to continue living. On top of that, he provided me with the clear understanding that I’m on this planet for a reason. The fact that I lived meant whatever my purpose is, it hasn’t been completed. From this experience in my life, I will pull the much needed strength and courage to forget I ever encountered this enraged dead man. 

“i rely my chaos and the light more than my silence and the nights as it paves a way through all the dark loneliness that used to haunt me in the midnights when a part of me surrounded by you, left along with you.” -Aayushi-

yourquote.in

Until next time

Nadia

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Posted in emotions or emotional, hope, love, nadia is feeling good

All Wrapped Up

Image Credit: Google 

What does the emotion of love feel like to you?

entry all wrapped up quote by cathy Carlyle love electric blanket somebody else control switch

My entire life I’ve been a firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. Probably because I was taught that our life story was written by God before we were born. So, in my mind everything we do, or everyone we meet is not by chance.

As I stated yesterday, not having to deal with the nonsense of relationships has been pretty easy. All I’ve had to do is keep my mind mentally stimulated or let the universe drop something in my lap. Tonight the universe was there to help yet again. 

For some reason I came across paths with this beautiful soul. I read a poem that  he wrote, and I can’t even put into words how it made me feel. I’m not usually speechless but after reading the last words of this poem, I was frozen. Really, all it was is I just didn’t want the feeling that I had to go away. This feeling that I was experiencing was very familiar and I haven’t’ felt it in quite some time

Honestly, I’m still a little bumfuzzled. For some reason I still can’t get my thoughts to form correctly in sentences. My brain is telling my fingers to type this and my heart it directing them to type that. To prevent me from saying something foolish, I’m going to stop right here.

In the end this is what I was able to compose so I could thank him for opening up the floodgates of hope.

.

Lonely Author

Literally I just came from staring at the comment box on your post “i will love you” over on your blog. My every intention was to leave you a message to thank you for expanding my heart to allow hope to flourish again. After everything that has taken place in the past six months, as it relates to my love life, my hope was all but demolished.

The hope that I would ever experience the unique feeling of being loved again was dead and gone. Genuinely, I thought I’d never experience it again. Yet somehow the words you carefully composed in this poem wrapped around me like a thermal blanket of love. What it abundantly proved to me is, within my emotional core, love is still alive.

jarofquates.com friendship wraps itself around the heart like a warm blanket of care feature photo for all wrapped up

Sadly, I had to leave without submitting that comment. Once I was capable of moving and processed what was going on, I couldn’t gather the words to express my gratitude. In all sincerity, I’m still having a little bit of trouble. The fact that I have no idea who you realistically are astonishes me. You’ve made me feel alive again and gave me back the hope of love. With that being said, from the bottom of my heart, I want to THANK YOU!!

As I was leaving your blog, I couldn’t help but notice you were going through some possible health issues. Whatever it is, I’m going to be praying for you! Your soul is a beautiful one, and I know this because I can detect your presence. Whatever the issue is, have faith that you will come out on the other side healthier and happier.

Best Regards & Sweet Dreams
Nadia

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Posted in emotions or emotional, facebook, faith, lou lou, love, nadia mazonis, quotes and poems, relationships

I Dodged A Bullet

Image Credit: Google

Have you ever had a relationship that prematurely ended before it began?

i'm dodging bullets baby quote for i dodged a bullet

Clearly, we all have and if not you’re fortunate. When or if this happens, you’re inevitably going to either feel heart-broken or sincerely feel like you’ve dodged a bullet. This morning around 5:30 a.m. my phone rang and luckily I was on my deaf ear so I was capable to instantly hear the noisy thing ringing. It was Wolfman Wolfie Ricky RICARDO. He was on his way to work and as usual he called. We spoke the entire time and hung up as he was pulling into the slaughterhouse. After we had said our goodbyes, I hung up the phone and fell back to sleep. Around 5 p.m. my sister Lou came over and woke me up. After I had come to, I put my glasses on and got up off the couch and headed for my phone that was on the charger. Knowing what time it was, I needed to message Ricardo/Wolfie to ask him how his day was. Ergo, I clutched up the phone and sat back down to unlock it. Like the dodge ball striking your face in 8th grade P.E. class, I saw a lengthy message. A VERY lengthy message might I add.

You know, before I even deciphered a hateful word of this break-up message, I recognized what this was going to be about. The last time he and I spoke, we were fine, so there was only one possible reason someone would compose a novel. Knowing how to read between the lines, I merely read the first sentence and the last. As I expected, I was declared to kick rocks. After deleting the message, I did desperately try getting a hold of him both on our private messenger and his personal phone yet he didn’t respond. There were some reasonable things I desired to politely ask him. Oh and you better believe there were some specific things that I undoubtedly wanted to justly say. Since he has decided to be a pussy and not listen, I’ll just vent right here. When he’s thinking of me, and he will, he’ll come right here to inspect what’s on my mind. Well Wolfman Wolfie Ricky Ricardo, this correctly is how I sincerely feel.

Some day in the beginning of March, I accepted a friend request from some guy who knew how to communicate really adequately. For a profile picture he provided an image of a wolf, that being so the nickname Wolfie and Wolfman. Curiosity got the best of this cat, so I inquired about seeing a photo after about a week. He was kind enough to sent me a photo of his face. He ended up being a good-looking older gentleman who happened to communicate really well. Things started to not make sense, but I never mentioned anything. He’s attractive, why not use an image of his face for a profile picture? Things moved very quickly and before I knew it we were attached to each other.

Quote by Cheryle Sally from yourquote.in when you dodge a bullet in life and you your loyalty remains the same its referred to as humbleness

If you’ve been subscribing to my personal journal, you’ve read about the enormous mountain that he and I were going to have to conquer to be together? You know the one that I felt like we weren’t getting up remarkably fast? After talking to Ricardo for about 2 weeks, he shared his secret with me. Finding out? And MY dumb self agreed to support him with this because I genuinely admired him and felt SORRY for him. Come to find out he was married!! Yep married! He said they were only together for insurance purposes. His commonplace bird sustained an injury and broke her back and neck. Then got strung out and addicted to pain pills. Ricardo said she was always in pain and since being hooked on opioids she became an unfamiliar person that he no longer knew. Falling out of love, never having sex, not even staying on the same side of the condo with her in six going on 7 years. My moved heart instantly broke for this unfortunate man. He seemed so destitute and depressed. When he told me all this, my heart severely hurt. Already starting to possess feelings for him and hearing this, I told myself that in reality he and I would never work. Being as optimistic as I could, I voiced to him that I’d stick around and voluntarily give him ample time to figure out how to move on with his life. He had to figure out how not to feel obligated to take care of a woman he no longer loved. On that critical day she inevitably became the enormous mountain.

He tried lecturing me about the fact I still loved my ex-Nicholas. Yet I’m supposed to be okay with him having nice dinners and wine with a woman he’s not supposed to love any more. He’s terribly upset because I’m still in love with my ex, yet if he and I are on the phone and she calls? He hangs up on me to rush to her phone call. What the eternal hell? And you’re irritated? Ricardo heretofore knew I harbored persisting feelings for my ex-Nicholas. Out of his own mouth, he told me he wasn’t the kinda person he exactly proved he was. Not sure of the exact words he used, but he advised me to properly deal with those genuine feelings. Adding he’d never cause problems when it came to my ex and me. Affirmative, I heeded Nicholas’s distinctive voice for the first time in 5 long miserable months, and it severely hurt. Hurt really bad. So bad in fact I heard it all the following day to numb myself. I usually tuck and push feelings away instead of adequately dealing with them and suffering the considerable pain they typically cause. I’ve done this my entire life. Not anymore. I will bear those overwhelming feelings and explore them. Allowing them to hurt, so I can allow them to pass. Never permitting them to dwell within me to torture longer than needing. Mister the last time we spoke candidly of all this we agreed we both obtain delicate situations. We mutually agreed that mine was a little bit more difficult since it was an emotional situation, when yours was only obligational. What this allows me to undoubtedly identify, is you’re a control freak. On top of being a terrible liar! Gratefully I thank God and by his grace, when it comes to you? I dodged a bullet.

Sweet Dreams
Nadia Darlene Mazonis

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Posted in coronavirus aftermath, coronavirus covid-19, emotions or emotional, faith, fear, heart-ache, hope, journaling, love, media, nadia is feeling bad, nadia mazonis, politics, quarantine, quotes and poems, stress, william, wordpress.com website, worrying

Evanescing Emotions

Image Credit: Pixabay

Have you ever been so focused and into something that the living world around you evanesced?

And even if something had once been committed to paper , did it mean that it was still true? Always true? Unlike the relitive permanence of paint, words were temporal. Your uttered them and they evanesced.

This is exactly what happened to me today, except for the few times I occasionally popped in and out of my intense concentration. There were moments when I remembered I was having conversations with people and would come back to earth long enough to send them a message. Through it all, I unbelievably know and understand SEO, and have a good grasp on how it works. Before stopping to write tonight’s journal entry, I was in the process of optimizing my website for search engines. S (search) E (engine) O (optimization). After I get my website optimized the next thing I’m going to study is the Analytics system. I’ve dabbled in it a bit, but desperately want to get lost in it just like I allowed myself to do with the optimization for search engines.

It was most likely the emotional day yesterday, and the journal entry last night that caused me to doggedly focus and learn SEO today. This allowed me to not think about my emotions that I know exist over hearing Nicholas’s voice. How do I know they exist? Because all day today, even as focused as I was, the musical tone of his voice sang in my heart all day. Like it was yesterday, I can remember listening to Nicholas sing in the car when a song he liked came on. A specific song comes to mind, and it’s a song by Lukas Graham called 7 Years. When this song came on and if he was in a pleasant mood, he would sing his heart out. Only if I appreciated then what I know right now, I would have told him just how much I loved listening to him sing.

When I need to find out any kind of political or world news I know where to turn too. A lot of times I don’t have to ask him, he’s just eager to provide me with information. William is the one who explained to me a lot about how the world and politics are intertwined, and ultimately he played a part in my cutting it out of my life. When we split up in 2015 and I stayed in Missouri, it was extremely unbearable to follow the news. Watching the news was something we did together, so I cut it out of my life. There were other reasons but that was the primary reason.

For some reason last night, I needed to ask William a question. I can’t remember for the life of me what it was but I messaged him asking him to call me. When the phone rang, I plucked it up thinking it was going to be a voice call like always. As soon as I picked it up, I noticed it was a video call. What in the hell, I suddenly got nervous and terrified. This could affect me and I possessed no clue how I was going to react. I have to admit it did me a lot of good. When I saw him talk so passionately and his eyes lit up and the smile on his face, it sent chills down my spine. Seeing his face for the first time in almost 5 years was refreshing. It felt like home. A secure and familiar place.

It was early this morning when I began to talk to William. He and I would speak off and on all day today. This day he was loaded with information, and I want to just record it real quick without going into too much detail. One thing he stated was that pastors are getting arrested for refusing to not have church. Arresting pastors? Just crazy! Also, the police are taking license plate numbers down of the cars in the parking lot. Anyone attending service and will be fined and punished through the mail. This is infringing upon our rights and if we don’t stand up and fight back our lives as we knew it was over. All because of a country, China, who messed up and remained silent for 6 weeks before they told the world that they released a super flu that would kill old people and anyone with conditions like heart problems and any one with weak immune systems.

My Positive mindset is a flickering flame on an evanescing candle by Dave Cenker

In my opinion their leaders should be accused of war crimes. What they performed was a test of a biological weapon against the world. At the least they should be prosecuted and made to foot the bill of the cost this is costing the world. Under those circumstances they should be imposed with crimes against humanity. Gas prices are about to go up and so are milk prices. As if this all isn’t enough, there are three countries massing at the northern border of Israel. Things are about to get even worse and the world, even Americans are merely sitting down. Sitting in their homes listening for the orders of what they can and can’t do. This sadly isn’t America anymore.

Someone else who doesn’t like to hear me get all hyped up on politics or this virus hoax is Wolfie. He nor Nicholas want to hear it or have anything to do with it. When we at length discussed or issues this morning and cleared the air between us, he was getting ready to see a slice of my aggressive side. When I sent him a text message, and at the end of it using the phrase “Point Blank.” to get my point across to him, it read a bit bitchy. I was being a little bit saucy I thought, but he informed me that it was the prior. When I sent it, all I wanted to execute was the view that I had told him everything that was on my mind. After we chuckled a bit, I think it worked. Wolfie and I didn’t talk frequently for the rest of the day, just a message here and there like I did with my other two boys. When I asked him what he had achieved today, he said he cleaned the floors the house. After cleaning he prepared a huge meal. That’s one of many things I look forward to, and that’s his cooking. Tonight we didn’t talk as he laid in bed either. He told me just a minute ago that he fell asleep. So that I didn’t prevent him from going back to sleep, I didn’t respond. We will catch up in the morning.

After the past two emotional days, I reflect on the valuable lessons I’ve absorbed. One, never push and aggressively shove your uncomfortable feelings and personal emotions down to attempt and suppress them. Two, instead of lying to yourself just deal with the negative feelings of the terrible emotions and learn to cope with it no matter how painful it might be. Knocking heads with Wolfie this morning. Struggling desperately to make sense of my overwhelming love for Nicholas. Seeing William on a video call for the first time in five miserable years. What an emotional roller-coaster the past two days has been. After I get this journal entry posted, I’m going to evanesce back up into the SEO world. There is, despite everything, a ton of work to be done to get my journal website optimized for these search engines.The previous crawl I efficiently performed on my personal website, the organizational structure improved immensely and one other aspect. In addition, I absolutely can’t recall which one. The one I was working on before abandoning to record tonight represents the content aspect. I’ve been busting my brain trying to figure out where the duplicates were coming from, and I figured it out right before quitting. When I get back to it, I am carefully polishing it all up.

Sweet Dreams
Nadia Darlene Mazonis

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