How do I write about overwhelming thoughts and feeling that I haven’t processed or felt yet?
Two dreadful things happened over the past week that have rendered me emotionally dead. Up first is Ricardo who called it off between the two of us in a text that was like a novel, jokingly said. Second up is Nicholas, during what realistically was a pleasant conversation ghosted me. Like truly ghosted me and refuses to acknowledge I exist. I’m dumbfounded. These two things happened within a day or two apart. It was like a menacing presence came into my heart and stole my emotional core.
Before all this took place I was already intensely focused on learning as much as I possibly could about SEO practices. After these two things happened, I went at it even harder, sticking my nose to the screen and not looking up.
When I’m ready, I will deal with the pain that is on its way. However tonight, I’m allowing the feeling of dying miserably on the inside to continue. Until I’m adequately prepared, this topic goes on the back burner.
That’s the question I’ve been mulling over since Ricardo decided that he couldn’t handle me still being in love with Nicholas. Considering he already knew this, why did he continue to play games with my head? Then I have the man-child in New Jersey who still insists on playing mind games with me too. Three or four days ago he and I were texting and getting along great. Well, I thought so anyways. Nick had sent me a meme about single men going to the athletic facility to impress all the whores, and how men in relationships get fed cake by their girlfriends to make them fat. Joking, I was like I’m going to cook you two cakes. The conversation turned into he’d rather have my taters, steak, and corn on the cob, and I told him I’m going to make him eat seconds. We said a few more things and the last text he sent was a crying emoji, nothing since.
At this point, after sending a message today with no response, I’m truly thinking I’m done with men. There’s Ricardo thinking I did one way streets, simultaneously Nick being an arrogant prick, I’m totally turned off with men and relationships now. What I wonder is how long that feeling is going to last. Now that I’ve been living alone for almost half of a year? I’m not so sure I want to make the necessary changes needed for a relationship to survive. Not having to make any adjustments to the way I live my life actually sounds awesome. For a relationship to work, each person involved has to make compromises and self-sacrifices. After thinking a great deal about everything that’s happened with these two men, I don’t think I want to or am ready to make those compromises or sacrifices. Truly I’m happy with being able to do what I want, when I want. If I want to cook, that’s great. If I don’t want to cook, that’s okay too. Go to sleep when I want to and not be made to go to bed. Being able to go on and on about things I don’t want to compromise I have to change the subject. What I’m saying is I’ve naturally gotten comfortable being single. Enough about these two losers, I want to talk about something that I’m really interested in.
When I established this Journal website and began to work in the WordPress program, it was rather involved and very much confusing. However, I eventually learned what I needed to so I could post on the internet. As time goes by, I keep getting deeper into how things work in the online world and learning how to design websites. Thank the gracious lord that WordPress does the majority of the work because I’d never be capable of doing it any other way. There are so many terms, definitions, and codes that I’m swimming in them up to my eyeballs. I’m loving it though. The coolest thing I’ve discovered so far is that there are these programs; I expect their programs. Anyway, there are these things called spiders that do inspections on every website. They run in the background reading all the codes collecting tons of information. Wonder why they call them spiders?
Currently, I’m tweaking my site to improve my SEO rating for Nadia’s Personal Journal. I’ve been running these spiders to investigate my work and to see if I’m making progress, and I am! The more I learn the more I like it. It feels extraordinary to be able to exercise my befuddled brain. Educating myself is something I absolutely enjoy, and the enjoyment is intensified since it’s something I discovered I thoroughly like. For all one reasonably knows this could be my unknown ideal relationship. Why do I say that? Well, if someone came into my life at this particular moment and it got serious? They would undoubtedly have to willingly take a backseat to my online journal, website, and writing. That wouldn’t be fair to the unfortunate fellow, and I’m not compromising any more, so it is what it is.
Am I a temperamental woman? Tonight I was called just that.
At first I didn’t know how to take it and honestly when I first read it, I was like, I don’t THINK so mister! Telling myself that this guy didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. How could he? He and I were strangers and never even had a conversation. So before I made a fool out of myself and showed my temperament, I went online and looked up the definition. Come to find out? I’m most definitely temperamental. The definition in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary reads as follows:
1a : marked by excessive sensitivity and impulsive mood changes a temperamental child b : unpredictable in behavior or performance a temperamental computer 2 : of, relating to, or arising from temperament : constitutional temperamental peculiarities
Synonyms & Antonyms of temperamental 1 frequently influenced by moods and especially bad moods one of those temperamental actresses who can make life difficult for everyone around her
Synonym for temperamental moody
Words Related to temperamental Unstable, unsteady, impulsive, volatile, fickle, snappish
Ironically, this gentleman calls me a temperamental woman on the day that I really had to bite my tongue and not fly off at the mouth like a crotchety old hag. There were many times I felt like saying something I would regret to both Nick and Ricardo. Yesterday was a horrible day for obvious reasons, and today I basically begged for Nicholas’ attention and pleaded with him to say just one word to me which he never did. He right out refused. Ignoring me and every message I sent. Dear God, that just hurt letting that out. I hate that I need and want him so bad. Why is this still haunting me? How can I wrap my brain around this? How can it be that the last time we were talking, the conversation was great? Reminiscing about me cooking one of his favorite meals. Steak, fried taters and onions, and corn on the cob. Why now does he not respond? Who knows!
Since Nicholas didn’t want to talk to me, I listened to one of “our” songs on repeat tonight. When we first got together in 2015, he sent me this song and told me to listen to it. He said it reminded him of us and from that point on it became our song. At the time it was very fitting because the profound connection between us was extraordinarily deep and powerful. Unfortunately for me 5 years later, it’s a one sided electrifying bond. Since I haven’t had a journal entry for a moment containing lyrics, and this song is on my mind. I’m going to put it down right here. I’m hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, it surely can’t get worse than today.
Featuring Ellie Goulding & Tarrus Riley
Oh my my my what you do to me. Like lighting when I’m swimming in the sea. From the very first time we loved. From the very first time we touched. Walking on wires and power lines. You put your body on top of mine. Every time that you lift me up, to the heavens and stars above. Oh lord have mercy I’m begging you please, I’m feeling drained I need love. You charge me up like electricity, jump start my heart with your love
There’s an energy, when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
There’s an energy, when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it. When you hold me.When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
I couldn’t leave even if I wanted to. Cause something keeps pulling me back to you. From the very first time we loved. From the very first time we touched. The stroke of your fingers, the scent of your lingers, my mind running wild with the thoughts of your smile. Oh, you gotta give me some, and you can give it all but it’s never enough, no.
There’s an energy when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. There’s an energy when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
Hold me in your arms. Burns like a fire, electricity. When you’re close I feel the sparks. Takes me higher to infinity.
I’m extremely annoyed right now, yet so happy. What a weird feeling this is.
Upset because I had my journal entry done for today, and as I was going to proofread, my program froze up. Losing everything, now I have to start over. Happy because it’s now after 5 a.m., and soon I will get to talk to my new friend. More about him later. I’m not going to remember everything that I had written, which pisses me off royally, but I think I remember the important details. First was my ex.
Messaging him Saturday night when I got up, and not hearing from him until after 4 p.m. today I was kind of upset. Why is it when he messages me, I feel like it’s the adult thing to do and message him back? Obviously he doesn’t and feels like he only has to message when he gets good and ready. That he showed me today. Besides that, when he finally does message, he totally ignores everything I said in my messages. Instead, he gives me the poorest excuse I’ve ever gotten. “I was sucked into a game.” THANK GOD this nightmare is over and I no longer have to put up with this childish nonsense. There is something I want to record real quick. In my messages I finally told him exactly what was on my mind and explained to him that I no longer would keep my thoughts and feelings locked in my head. I’m done with having to stay trapped in my mind just to keep him happy and talking to me. After today and where I’m at emotionally I could care less if he ever said another word to me. Today I took the last step to block him completely on Facebook. My 48 hours passed, and now he’s blocked both on my personal and public pages. Months ago I blocked him on Instagram, which I’m unconcerned with because he hasn’t used it since 2013. He doesn’t use Twitter, so the only other place I have to block him from is my phone. This will be done in the near future, very near future once I say my FINAL goodbye.
Next was my shocking news, and it’s in fact the most divine thing I’ve felt in almost five months. I precisely remember that when I was previously writing this section my anxious heart was racing. My fingers were moving so fast I couldn’t keep up. That’s what Mr. Wolfman does to me. I remember when I was previously writing this section my heart was racing, my fingers were moving so fast I couldn’t keep up. We have been talking for I guess a week or longer I’m unsure. When we started talking, I didn’t think to remember dates, because I seriously didn’t think much of this guy at the time. Slowly, without being able to stop it, he was hypnotizing me with just our conversations. I usually don’t put much effort into men who don’t use a face picture as their profile picture, but every time he messaged me, it was like a trail of goodies laid down for me to follow, and I always replied. Finally, once I knew there was something special about Mr Wolfman, and I wanted to know more I asked him if I could see a picture of him. He obliged and sent me a photo. Today, I’m sitting here rewriting this journal entry looking at the clock wondering what time he’s going to get up. We spoke until 2 a.m. this morning, and already I want more of him. It’s now going on five months since my ex left, and Wolfman is the first guy to capture my total attention. There have been other’s that get my attention, however keeping it is another story. There have been some that I’m interested in, then I mention them here in my journal, and poof they were a flake. He and this are totally different.
I need to record something, because it’s my true feelings. Every time I write my Journal, I make sure that what comes down from my brain and up from my heart exits out my fingers. I’ve done this since day one of my Journal. At the same time I’m terrified to record what I’m about to write, because my new friend reads my journal. The last thing I want to do is frighten him or make him get out of my lane. Tonight as we were chatting, I literally felt a crack in my chest. No, it didn’t hurt it felt more like a release of energy. Instantly I knew what it was, I had no doubts. It’s a feeling that I’ve been waiting for, but didn’t know if it were possible. What I thought was a permanent seal around my heart, had just cracked open. I actually felt the tightly bound hopes, dreams, and goals of a dead woman unfold. Opening my heart wide open, those things that I held so tightly, were instantly released. With my soul now free I’m able to let this wonderful man in to occupy my heart.
I’m aware this is just the beginning, and I still have to let those hopes, and dreams float far away from me. They need to be out of my eyesight, so I know they are gone forever. Once I no longer see them, and honestly since my heart opened I’ve not once tried to pull them back in, I will do my last bit of letting go. When I finally tell him goodbye, I will block his telephone number and never look back. The only place for him to contact me at that point will be my website where you are reading this now. Plans are already in place if this happens. All comments are first screened by me. If I get one from him, I simply will delete it, and never read what he wrote. Knowing he messaged may affect me initially, but not knowing the content will do wonders.
Lastly, before writing this journal entry I positively had to take the time to write my brilliant gem of a friend JP. Since the day I translated his initial message, I’ve come to admire and appreciate him dearly. For two days, I was depressed for many reasons, but there were two that I needed to let JP know about. It took several hours to write this letter, because my heart was breaking, and I’m scared to know how it has affected him. JP I pray you understand that there was nothing I could do to stop what unfolded. Sir, everything you disclosed to me I’ll take to my grave and I want nothing more than for us to continue on with our special and unique friendship. If I never hear from you again, I’ll be devastated, but if that’s your decision I completely understand why.