For two miserable days, I’ve been emotionally discombobulated wandering aimlessly around this apartment
Instinctively, I assumed it to be the dead man, naturally playing amongst the strings of my raw emotions, but it wasn’t. My sister Lou Lou came over to drop off my keys and during our conversation it became abundantly clear. As we were sitting here in the living room talking, my sister asks me. “Can you believe mother would have been 65 years old today if she were still alive?” Just like that, like turning on a light switch, my entire emotional roller coaster was explained.
What amazes me is how I can be unaware it’s her birthday but subconsciously it still affects me. It’s been like that since her passing. And has been for two days now. Forgetting her birthdate is one thing but it’s impossible to not notice the whole month of October. Typically every year as September is coming to an end, I start getting sadder and more depressed. That’s how it continues grimly till the 31st of October. It’s virtually like the identical thing how the dead man’s and my relationship plays over from the beginning to the end on a repeat player. That is what happens with me the month of her death.
From the front of this apartment to the back, I can detect the dead man’s unavoidable presence in every room. Starting in the kitchen where I used to diligently prepare our meals. Since he left, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve turned my stove on. Next heading back to the closet where his clothes used to hang, that’s still a negative space I avoid if at all possible. In this apartment that he and I found, no desolate corner is safe. Whatever corner I go for to try and find an emotional moment of peace, I find him there waiting for me. I don’t even utilize what used to be our bedroom. To be honest, I don’t use the back side of the apartment at all. Those three spaces and the kitchen are like black holes to me. His overpowering presence in this apartment is extremely haunting. There are even times like last night I could believe he was staring at me from behind.
Right after the dead man moved and went back home with his mammy, I earnestly believed I needed to stay in this apartment. Afraid to lose the one thing I had left of him. Now 6 months later and a plethora of mental games, I’ve never wanted to move as much as I do now. When I started contemplating this move, I kept getting caught up on something. Fact is, if I move my sister and nephew would be stranded here without reliable transportation. This isn’t my problem, I’m aware of that. However, by heart being the person that I am, it’s undoubtedly going to be hard for me to selfishly abandon them. Abandoning them here without a way to work, shop, everything I don’t imagine my heart will allow. All I can do is pray about it and leave it in God’s hands.
There’s not a way to sugar coat the fact that I’m being emotionally dissolved from within. Of course, it’s tearing me apart that I’m never allowing myself to talk to the dead again. However, do I think it’s necessary?Absolutely I do. Do I harbor love for him? Yes, I do, but that does not mean that I’m IN love with the dead. My schedule is all booked up, and all time slots for little boys who like playing mind games are full. Not one bit do I desire to be mentally toyed with by a narcissistic dead man. I already have enough on my plate for him to be adding his games.
My emotional limit has been reached. Any more I’ll be past the point of return. The last time I felt anywhere near how I’m feeling at present, I tried extinguishing my own life. There was not one ounce of fun in attempting to snuff out my life. Once I was consciously aware of where I was, and what I had done. I relinquished all control of my emotions. Weeping, the first possible thing I did was humbly thank God. For graciously allowing me to continue living life. Genuinely I knew without him I would have died. In that extraordinary moment I made a promise to both myself and to god, that under no circumstance would I attempt that again. Ultimately, God allowed me to continue living. On top of that, he provided me with the clear understanding that I’m on this planet for a reason. The fact that I lived meant whatever my purpose is, it hasn’t been completed. From this experience in my life, I will pull the much needed strength and courage to forget I ever encountered this enraged dead man.
“i rely my chaos and the light more than my silence and the nights as it paves a way through all the dark loneliness that used to haunt me in the midnights when a part of me surrounded by you, left along with you.” -Aayushi-
Have you ever known anyone who would do anything, I mean ANYTHING to hurt someone? No matter who they hurt in the process?
Having not to think about and process my love life or the lack of is actually pretty easy. All I’ve had to do is stay focused learning the technical language of website building and the internet. Or wait for the universe to give me something to focus on. Tonight the universe was the one to be of a helping hand.
When I woke up the first thing on my mind was my nephews and their mother Candy. My brother and Candy, now divorced, lost my nephews to the state of Arkansas about six months ago. At the time, they weren’t being responsible parents and the boys were put into foster care.Today was the court date for them to find out what was next, in the process of bringing the boys home. Once I was fully awake, I called Candy to find out what was said in court today.
After Candy told me what happened in court, I was a bit heated. Why is the state of Arkansas or the Department of Human/Children Services unprepared? This Department what ever it’s called near you, is nothing but legal human trafficking promoted by the local state. Whether you’re careless or someone evil calls to report you to watch you suffer, once the state gets their slimy hands on your children, they don’t want to let go. Why? The federal money the state receives for these children. “Tearing families apart and making dough” should be their rallying cry. To begin with they’ll take your children and not give a damn and OWN them immediately. Next, want you to do 20 backflips, and land one footed in a tulip glass. Only for the “CHANCE” you might get YOUR own kids back. In the end, another court date was set. The kidnappers demanded more time to figure out what to implement next since Candy satisfactorily completed all their ransom demands.
After recording that, I feel nauseous. It severely weakens my heart because the youngest of the boys doesn’t think he will ever get to come home. He started saying to his mother over the phone that he thinks he’ll never get to come… At that time my oldest nephew promptly cut him off and reassured him that YES!! WE WILL be going home! Well darn it, that made me cry.
How this happens frequently to me I’ll never know. When I sat down, the plan wasn’t to write about the human trafficking that goes on in our supposedly civilized country. My prime focus was initially on my degenerate brother and Candy’s sick in the head cousin Andrea. My self-centered brother didn’t even know about court today. He never thinks about the boys much less love them. It’s his fault completely that Candy was inadvertently put on the kidnappers radar. This is accurately is ALL HIS FAULT!! Which I’ll talk about tomorrow.
How do I write about overwhelming thoughts and feeling that I haven’t processed or felt yet?
Two dreadful things happened over the past week that have rendered me emotionally dead. Up first is Ricardo who called it off between the two of us in a text that was like a novel, jokingly said. Second up is Nicholas, during what realistically was a pleasant conversation ghosted me. Like truly ghosted me and refuses to acknowledge I exist. I’m dumbfounded. These two things happened within a day or two apart. It was like a menacing presence came into my heart and stole my emotional core.
Before all this took place I was already intensely focused on learning as much as I possibly could about SEO practices. After these two things happened, I went at it even harder, sticking my nose to the screen and not looking up.
When I’m ready, I will deal with the pain that is on its way. However tonight, I’m allowing the feeling of dying miserably on the inside to continue. Until I’m adequately prepared, this topic goes on the back burner.
That’s the question I’ve been mulling over since Ricardo decided that he couldn’t handle me still being in love with Nicholas. Considering he already knew this, why did he continue to play games with my head? Then I have the man-child in New Jersey who still insists on playing mind games with me too. Three or four days ago he and I were texting and getting along great. Well, I thought so anyways. Nick had sent me a meme about single men going to the athletic facility to impress all the whores, and how men in relationships get fed cake by their girlfriends to make them fat. Joking, I was like I’m going to cook you two cakes. The conversation turned into he’d rather have my taters, steak, and corn on the cob, and I told him I’m going to make him eat seconds. We said a few more things and the last text he sent was a crying emoji, nothing since.
At this point, after sending a message today with no response, I’m truly thinking I’m done with men. There’s Ricardo thinking I did one way streets, simultaneously Nick being an arrogant prick, I’m totally turned off with men and relationships now. What I wonder is how long that feeling is going to last. Now that I’ve been living alone for almost half of a year? I’m not so sure I want to make the necessary changes needed for a relationship to survive. Not having to make any adjustments to the way I live my life actually sounds awesome. For a relationship to work, each person involved has to make compromises and self-sacrifices. After thinking a great deal about everything that’s happened with these two men, I don’t think I want to or am ready to make those compromises or sacrifices. Truly I’m happy with being able to do what I want, when I want. If I want to cook, that’s great. If I don’t want to cook, that’s okay too. Go to sleep when I want to and not be made to go to bed. Being able to go on and on about things I don’t want to compromise I have to change the subject. What I’m saying is I’ve naturally gotten comfortable being single. Enough about these two losers, I want to talk about something that I’m really interested in.
When I established this Journal website and began to work in the WordPress program, it was rather involved and very much confusing. However, I eventually learned what I needed to so I could post on the internet. As time goes by, I keep getting deeper into how things work in the online world and learning how to design websites. Thank the gracious lord that WordPress does the majority of the work because I’d never be capable of doing it any other way. There are so many terms, definitions, and codes that I’m swimming in them up to my eyeballs. I’m loving it though. The coolest thing I’ve discovered so far is that there are these programs; I expect their programs. Anyway, there are these things called spiders that do inspections on every website. They run in the background reading all the codes collecting tons of information. Wonder why they call them spiders?
Currently, I’m tweaking my site to improve my SEO rating for Nadia’s Personal Journal. I’ve been running these spiders to investigate my work and to see if I’m making progress, and I am! The more I learn the more I like it. It feels extraordinary to be able to exercise my befuddled brain. Educating myself is something I absolutely enjoy, and the enjoyment is intensified since it’s something I discovered I thoroughly like. For all one reasonably knows this could be my unknown ideal relationship. Why do I say that? Well, if someone came into my life at this particular moment and it got serious? They would undoubtedly have to willingly take a backseat to my online journal, website, and writing. That wouldn’t be fair to the unfortunate fellow, and I’m not compromising any more, so it is what it is.
Am I a temperamental woman? Tonight I was called just that.
At first I didn’t know how to take it and honestly when I first read it, I was like, I don’t THINK so mister! Telling myself that this guy didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. How could he? He and I were strangers and never even had a conversation. So before I made a fool out of myself and showed my temperament, I went online and looked up the definition. Come to find out? I’m most definitely temperamental. The definition in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary reads as follows:
1a : marked by excessive sensitivity and impulsive mood changes a temperamental child b : unpredictable in behavior or performance a temperamental computer 2 : of, relating to, or arising from temperament : constitutional temperamental peculiarities
Synonyms & Antonyms of temperamental 1 frequently influenced by moods and especially bad moods one of those temperamental actresses who can make life difficult for everyone around her
Synonym for temperamental moody
Words Related to temperamental Unstable, unsteady, impulsive, volatile, fickle, snappish
Ironically, this gentleman calls me a temperamental woman on the day that I really had to bite my tongue and not fly off at the mouth like a crotchety old hag. There were many times I felt like saying something I would regret to both Nick and Ricardo. Yesterday was a horrible day for obvious reasons, and today I basically begged for Nicholas’ attention and pleaded with him to say just one word to me which he never did. He right out refused. Ignoring me and every message I sent. Dear God, that just hurt letting that out. I hate that I need and want him so bad. Why is this still haunting me? How can I wrap my brain around this? How can it be that the last time we were talking, the conversation was great? Reminiscing about me cooking one of his favorite meals. Steak, fried taters and onions, and corn on the cob. Why now does he not respond? Who knows!
Since Nicholas didn’t want to talk to me, I listened to one of “our” songs on repeat tonight. When we first got together in 2015, he sent me this song and told me to listen to it. He said it reminded him of us and from that point on it became our song. At the time it was very fitting because the profound connection between us was extraordinarily deep and powerful. Unfortunately for me 5 years later, it’s a one sided electrifying bond. Since I haven’t had a journal entry for a moment containing lyrics, and this song is on my mind. I’m going to put it down right here. I’m hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, it surely can’t get worse than today.
Featuring Ellie Goulding & Tarrus Riley
Oh my my my what you do to me. Like lighting when I’m swimming in the sea. From the very first time we loved. From the very first time we touched. Walking on wires and power lines. You put your body on top of mine. Every time that you lift me up, to the heavens and stars above. Oh lord have mercy I’m begging you please, I’m feeling drained I need love. You charge me up like electricity, jump start my heart with your love
There’s an energy, when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
There’s an energy, when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it. When you hold me.When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
I couldn’t leave even if I wanted to. Cause something keeps pulling me back to you. From the very first time we loved. From the very first time we touched. The stroke of your fingers, the scent of your lingers, my mind running wild with the thoughts of your smile. Oh, you gotta give me some, and you can give it all but it’s never enough, no.
There’s an energy when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. There’s an energy when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
Hold me in your arms. Burns like a fire, electricity. When you’re close I feel the sparks. Takes me higher to infinity.