Have you ever had enough of something that you just can’t take any longer?Anything? Well, I have and Nicholas, enough is enough!
I’ve deleted what I’ve written 4,854 times. Each time I try being as nice and polite as I can be. Yet, each time getting more pissed off because I shouldn’t have to be polite or nice. Especially to someone who is playing with my mind. This is my journal, and this is where I am allowed to come and let it out.
To some, what I’m about to say may be on the extreme side of things. Yes, I’d probably agree with you on most days. However in the past, to get over a relationship that has ended, this is where I have to go. If not, I’m not able to move on. Up until this point with Nick, I’ve refused to go here because I wanted to do things differently. What I’ve finally realized is that with Nick I’m going to have to go here.
Waking up this morning I was angry and disoriented. If my sister hadn’t come over, I would have still believed I’d died and woke up in an alternate universe. Most of the anger that I harbor is towards myself. Furious that I still allow this fool to blatantly play mind games with me? Why do I keep allowing it? Is it because of love? This doesn’t feel like love; I know what love feels like. I’m angry with myself because I’ll say in one breath I’m done with his bull shit, and in the next breath I’m in the state of mind that I’m currently in. Enough is enough!
This time I’ve actually had enough of it Nicholas! Mentally, I’m allowing you to check me into the nearest mental ward, and I’m not fighting back at all. Emotionally, I’ve already allowed you to mold me into someone completely unfamiliar to whom I was when we met. Without any elaboration, my body and heart can’t take it any longer. If I allow you to maintain this grip on me, then I’m allowing you to ruin me from within. This I won’t allow Nicholas, and for that reason, you are now dead to me.
Never will I text you again. Remember Nicholas; I’m not supposed to text dead people. Never again will I email you. Recall Nicholas; I’m not supposed to talk to the forgotten dead at all? Never again will I call you like I foolishly tried to tonight for the first desperate time in nearly 6 terrible months. Recall Nicholas; dead people aren’t supposed to talk. You restricted my main number and forwarded my secondary number. You dismissed all my desperate pleas to merely utter anything even if it inevitably was a get lost. In that very moment, I realized I was desperately trying to get a hold of a dead man. Enough is enough!
By foolishly allowing a dead person to affect me, in turn allowed him to rob me of my new hopes and dreams with Ricardo. For one moment, don’t think I’m unaware this was your ultimate end game. Even down to you being vocal on the video that inevitably affected me in the personal way that it did. You’re aware of what you’re executing, you’re a narcissist and manipulator just like your,……… never mind I’m not going to go there. All of it was intentional, and that was your last hoo raw at my emotional expense.
I’ve comfortably accommodated you enough Nicholas, and allowed enough of your head games. You are hereby DEAD to me!
How do I write about overwhelming thoughts and feeling that I haven’t processed or felt yet?
Two dreadful things happened over the past week that have rendered me emotionally dead. Up first is Ricardo who called it off between the two of us in a text that was like a novel, jokingly said. Second up is Nicholas, during what realistically was a pleasant conversation ghosted me. Like truly ghosted me and refuses to acknowledge I exist. I’m dumbfounded. These two things happened within a day or two apart. It was like a menacing presence came into my heart and stole my emotional core.
Before all this took place I was already intensely focused on learning as much as I possibly could about SEO practices. After these two things happened, I went at it even harder, sticking my nose to the screen and not looking up.
When I’m ready, I will deal with the pain that is on its way. However tonight, I’m allowing the feeling of dying miserably on the inside to continue. Until I’m adequately prepared, this topic goes on the back burner.
Yesterday’s Journal entry required what seemed like a week to complete. To be honest, it didn’t get finished until early this morning. When I went to proofread my writing, and the program I use froze up on me I got so enraged. I instantly had to rewrite the entire thing. Tonight I’m utilizing a program that auto saves every word I type. I’m not about to voluntarily go through that madness again. As I was finishing up the imagery for my post, my sister showed up. We chatted for a while, then I got back to what I was doing. When my sister arrived, I thought it was for a few days, however she embraced other plans. She had been barely here for a few hours before she took off with a few of her longtime friends.
Around 6 a.m. I believe my phone started chirping with the pleasant sounds of Wolfman. As we were chatting, the time he typically headed for work came and went. That was just the beginning of what I felt like was my fault. Routinely he leaves at 6:30 a.m., and today he didn’t leave until 6:45 a.m. One thing that I don’t desire to do is disturb his familiar routine. I’ve already conveyed this to him, and he’s earnestly assured me that I’m fine. I’m cautiously trying to not cross established boundaries, but hard it is indeed. As we were saying our heartfelt goodbyes, he informed me that it would be this evening before we got to speak again. This was a bit of a jolt to my system, but what can we do about it? He has responsibilities, and we can’t be on our phones all day.
Ultimately, I did accomplish getting my Journal entry posted. By this time Wolfman had already messaged me from work. While we were chatting about everything under the sun, I received a text message from my ex. When I went to see who the text message was from, and I saw it was him, it was very easy to just go back to what I was doing. After a period of time, we did stop talking, but we of course talked most the night until around 7 p.m. when he needed to go eat and relax. At some point through the day, I asked him if he was getting any work achieved, or if he needed to get some done. His answer as always was brilliant. “Oh, I’m at work?”
Tomorrow I’m going to try and contain myself, so my new friend can get some work completed and get back to his normal sleep routine. Absolutely hating the feeling of coming into this guy’s life and turning it upside down. That’s the last thing I want to do. However, every time I mention this, he assures me that it’s okay and that everything is fine. Undoubtedly, I need to quit worrying about things that I maintain no control over. There’s many unnecessary worries that run through my mind, and I have a sneaky suspicion I know where they are coming from. More than likely it’s because of the messed-up relationship I scarcely got out of. Keeping that relationship and how it’s affected me emotionally separate from this friendship is going to be difficult. How am I going to do this? I have no clue, but I’m going to try. Allowing what happened to me with my ex, get in the way or my now friendship wouldn’t be fair to us.
When I was in Junior High, during physical education class PE, we would engage in a game that I absolutely hated. Dodgeball! Why did I detest it? Every single time I had to play that damn game, it never failed, I got smacked square in the face with a ball. If you recall, these balls are reddish pink with a unique texture of some distinct kind, and they were kind of squishy. When they collided with your face, it would sting like hell and make a pinging sound. Really, no matter how many times you got hit, and in my case it was every time, each time it STUNNED you. That exact sensation of being STUNNED just happened to me. During a conversation between Wolfman and me, he brings up a sensitive subject. STUNNED! Even though this has shocked the piss out of me, I assure you I’m still staying in the game. Mister, you know how to get a hold of me if you ever need to talk or vent. I may only just have one favorable ear, but that one ear works well. We presently have a towering mountain to climb, which I was unaware of. With each other we can achieve this, as long as we support one another along the way.
It’s been a while since I posted song lyrics, and this one is relevant for me tonight. Indeed, I know it’s another Celine Dion song but most of her music is fantastic. I’ve always appreciated her music and lyrics, and the album this is from is no exception. Even though Wolfman and myself are only friends, there’s a burning fire deep within me that I can’t extinguish. When talking to my friend, he too genuinely enjoys something between us. With a mountain to climb first, we have no other choice than to move slowly, but there is no denying it. I’m Falling for him.
When the sun went down on that day, I never thought that love would come back to me. When I closed my eyes and tried to dream, darkness was the only thing I could see. I had run out of hope, reached the end of the road, hit the rocks at the bottom with no farther to go. But just when I thought I was destined to end up all alone, you showed me there’s more to this life.
I can’t believe I’m falling in love once again. I can’t believe I’m falling in love, but I am. I never thought that I would be strong enough to move on. No, this wasn’t part of the plan. I can’t believe I’m falling in love. But I’m falling in love once again.
When you take my hand, you hold my heart, and I know everything will be alright. When you touch me there, I feel it everywhere. I’m loving things I never thought I would like. I can’t believe I’m falling in love once again. I can’t believe I’m falling in love, but I am. I never thought that I would be strong enough to move on no, this wasn’t part of the plan. I can’t believe I’m falling in love, but I’m falling in love. Once again.
Just when I thought I was destined to end up all alone, you showed me there’s more to this life. I can’t believe I’m falling in love once again. Oh, I’m falling in love once again. I never thought that I would be strong enough to move on no, this wasn’t part of the plan. I can’t believe I’m falling in love, but I’m falling in love once again. Once again
Well, I couldn’t sleep last night to save my life. I laid down, and my mind would not stop going over what my sister had said to me. Since the beginning of my transition, my baby sister, and my eldest sister were the only two people who supported me, and protected me for living my truth. When I decided to finally transition, I lost my partner of twelve and a half years. With him out of my life, these two women were all that I had, until the day I met my ex. So, now I had these three individuals, who were my sole support system until I met a lot of supportive people online. As everyone knows my main supporter, the ex, left in November. He was my rock in the beginning of my transition entering my life when I was on hormone replacement therapy for just three months. At this point, is when I started presenting as Nadia full time. My foundation has fallen out from under me, and with my baby sister pulling her stunt yesterday, I had a sick feeling in my stomach. If I reacted the way I normally would, for someone calling me by my birth name, I would have lost her, leaving me with just my oldest sister. I would have been fine with this, but my heart was telling me that I needed to reach out to her. She is too important in my life, and I know why she said what she did. I wasn’t responding to her messages, and she did the one thing that she knew would get a response out of me. Well, it worked. Before I contacted my little sister, I called the eldest sister to see if she had heard from our baby sister at all. She hadn’t, and wanted me to explain to her what had happened. We talked for a while, and after we hung up, I was so glad that I talked to her. She agreed with me on both, what Mandy had said to hurt me, and with what was going on in the family. She told me that if Mandy contacted her, she would tell her what was on her mind, and explain to her that what she said to me was wrong, and what I was doing, was for my nephews, not for my sister-in-law. It was now seven a.m., so I messaged my baby sister. I told her that I loved her, and that if she could squash what happened yesterday, I too would suffocate my feelings, so we could continue to be in one another’s lives. I was so thankful that she agreed, we both told each other that we needed one another, and we said I love you. I didn’t hear from her the rest of the day, but I know that we are okay, and I’ll either see her, or talk to her tomorrow.
Most of the day I was alone sitting here at the computer talking to a number of people. My sister-in-law, and her boyfriend ran around this morning after she got home from work, then they had to go to Paragould Arkansas for visitations with my nephews. I had a good, long conversation with my oldest niece. It has been so long since we have spoken like we did tonight. I’m extremely proud of her, and I believe she has finally got her head on her shoulders straight. We had such a wonderful conversation, we mostly talked about my ex, she never met him, and never knew the hell that he had put me through. So, I explained all the craziness, and told her everything that happened during those four years, and explained how it affected me. Bless her soul, she said some of the nicest, kindest things to me. Nothing that anyone has said impacted me more than the words that she used. I now feel free, and like it’s okay to let go. Actually I know I have to let go because it’s a life or death choice. She made sure to tell me to let loose because the more I hung on, and had contact with him the bigger of a chance his crazy ass could flip and show up here to kill me. I did miss him on occasion today, and as soon as the wacko popped into my head, I brought forward the memory of him punching me in the eye, and pinning me to the ground trying to put his hands around my neck. This totally worked every time. The missing him would go away and I had an instant shot of fear through my body. Problem solved. No one has lifted me up off the ground and boosted my spirit like my niece did tonight. To be honest, I can’t remember what exact words she used to perform what felt like magic, but thank god I reached out to her. My self-worth, and self-esteem are no longer ripped up and stomped on in a ditch. Her words brought me right back to the state of mind I had when I first started hormone replacement therapy. Three months before meeting what would turn out to be a four-year nightmare. Now that my mind is washed clean, of the being looked down on because I didn’t make a certain amount of money. Looked down on because I didn’t come from a certain class of family. From the knowing they despised me because I couldn’t give them a grandchild. The list could go on and on. I’ll just say this. When he first told them, excuse me. When his cousin snitched on him and told his family that he was dating a transgender woman. They came unhinged. I had never heard anything quite like it, and I came from a pretty crazy household. They hated me from the VERY beginning, and hadn’t even met me yet. After talking about my crazy past relationship, the conversation switched over to my mamma. I’m going to make this real short because, I don’t feel like crying. The whole time she and I spoke about it I was in tears. My niece and nephew were still babies when their Nana Judy died. My mother took care of them, like she took care of all of us. When mom died, my world literally stopped. I know in reality my niece is going to turn thirty-two or thirty-three this year. I know that I’m going to turn forty-five. When I say my world stopped, my mind stopped time. When I think of my nephew and niece, in my mind they are still babies. I just turned twenty-one. Everyone one of us is the same age we were when mamma died. My niece said it best when I told her my experience. She was like YES! We are stuck in time and can’t move. She said that she has always felt like that. I told her I’m the same. I recommended she sees a therapist. I see one twice a week. I told her that it’s not going to take that feeling away, but it will help understand why our brains did what they did when we found out we were going to lose the matriarch of our family. That was hard. I didn’t cry. I’m proud of myself. Pats self on back.
This post is for the following days. February seventeenth through today February twentieth. The past three days have been a total mind F*CK. It’s been completely overwhelming and I simply could not gather my thoughts to write coherently. Today however I woke up with a fresh clear mind and I’m blessed for it. So I ask myself this question. If I have such a clear mind, why am I having such a hard time writing this entry? I don’t know where to start, what to say, or what not to say. So, I’m just going to write without thinking. Excuse the chaos that is about to follow.
My new weave that came in on Monday is awesome! I look forward to installing it, so I can feel the joy of a good hair day again. It’s been awhile, and I so deserve to feel good about myself no matter of the things the past four years have been drilled into my brain. Something I’ve learned and need to keep telling myself is that NO ONE can make me feel a certain way. Just because that’s how they see me, I need to know that’s not who I really am. I know who I am. I know what kind of person I am, and now I know I deserve better.
Something comical happened to me over the past couple days. This gentleman requested to be friends so I obliged. He seemed nice, kind and genuine. He made several comments on my photos, and that boosted my confidence. I told him thank you, and I thought that was the end of story, well so I thought. Well, his wife, oh my, is going to message me and try to rip me a new butt, and tell me that I’m just a boy acting like a girl. I did not hold back on this woman. I said some things that I regret, but not really. My goal was to make her hate herself and cry, because that’s exactly what I felt, and what I did. I know that I was born male, but I also know that since I was a child, something was wrong. Unless you are in the same boat, there is no way that you’ll ever understand or comprehend the situation. It’s that simple. I’ve come to realize that for the rest of my life I’m going to have idiots like this. Just today this guy messages me and asks me so rudely “Are you a man?”. I simply ignored it and blocked him. From now on, I will try to educate these people instead of going off, or simply ignoring them. Both of my reactions did no good. One I tried to hurt them like they hurt me, and the other I didn’t feel like my genitals define my gender, and simply didn’t have the energy to explain it. That’s going to change.
I’m totally done with my ex. I know I’ve said it before, and maybe I shouldn’t say it again, but the more I say it, and the more he hurts me, it’s sinking in finally that he’s bad for my mental health. I’ve erased every picture of him on all of my devices, and I’m ready to move on. Doing this hurt my soul, and I cried myself to sleep. However, I’m thankful that when I woke up this morning the baggage I felt was lifted. I will no longer let him in to interrupt the path that I now am on. He will no longer consume my every thought, and when he enters my thought process I will simply tell myself that he, one wanted to kill me, and two he hit me in the face. Doing this will instantly remind me of what a bad guy he is deep down. If the memory of him gets to be too much to handle, I will move the plaque on the wall that hides his fist print from the day he went to punch my face for the second time. Instead of actually hitting me, his fist flew so close to my face that I could feel the wind. As I heard a lot, at the end of our relationship, he screamed at me saying “I want to kill you”. This should solidify the fact that he is bad for my mental health. My hope is that when I think of the good times, and instantly remember his true feelings at the end, doing this will make the flashbacks of the good times go away. I wish that we as humans could delete memories, as easily as it was deleting his pictures. Good by Nicholas, I will pray that you seek the help you need to get better. I will also pray for your future person. I pray that she does not suffer the same hell I did.
In closing, something really sad happened to me today. I still don’t know what to say or how to feel. The one family member who I thought truly supported me and understood my situation called me by my dead name to purposely hurt me. Her intentions were clear, and they worked. That’s all I will say at the moment because I don’t want to say anything to make the situation worse. If it were anyone else I know what I would do, but this is my baby sister. I will handle this delicately and with a clear mind, which I do not have at the present time. All I know is that I’ve been losing a lot of important people in my life lately and it’s really starting to hurt. My mind says cut her out but my heart says something else. The war between heart and mind is starting to make me feel all alone.
“Love is the only freedom in the world because it so elevates the spirit that the laws of humanity and the phenomena of nature do not alter its course.” ― Kahlil Gibran, Broken Wings
