Posted in dead man walking, emotions or emotional, haunting memories, heart-ache, my mother

Emotionally Discombobulated

Image Credit ~ Google, Pixabay, Canva

For two miserable days, I’ve been emotionally discombobulated wandering aimlessly around this apartment

what and black graphic for emotionally discombobulated adj. confused or uncertain

Instinctively, I assumed it to be the dead man, naturally playing amongst the strings of my raw emotions, but it wasn’t. My sister Lou Lou came over to drop off my keys and during our conversation it became abundantly clear. As we were sitting here in the living room talking, my sister asks me.  “Can you believe mother would have been 65 years old today if she were still alive?” Just like that, like turning on a light switch, my entire emotional roller coaster was explained.  

What amazes me is how I can be unaware it’s her birthday but subconsciously it still affects me. It’s been like that since her passing. And has been for two days now. Forgetting her birthdate is one thing but it’s impossible to not notice the whole month of October. Typically every year as September is coming to an end, I start getting sadder and more depressed. That’s how it continues grimly till the 31st of October. It’s virtually like the identical thing how the dead man’s and my relationship plays over from the beginning to the end on a repeat player. That is what happens with me the month of her death.

sunflower field woman with straw hat sunny day happy birthday in heaven mamma

From the front of this apartment to the back, I can detect the dead man’s unavoidable presence in every room. Starting in the kitchen where I used to diligently prepare our meals. Since he left, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve turned my stove on. Next heading back to the closet where his clothes used to hang, that’s still a negative space I avoid if at all possible. In this apartment that he and I found, no desolate corner is safe. Whatever corner I go for to try and find an emotional moment of peace, I find him there waiting for me. I don’t even utilize what used to be our bedroom. To be honest, I don’t use the back side of the apartment at all. Those three spaces and the kitchen are like black holes to me. His overpowering presence in this apartment is extremely haunting. There are even times like last night I could believe he was staring at me from behind.

Right after the dead man moved and went back home with his mammy, I earnestly believed I needed to stay in this apartment. Afraid to lose the one thing I had left of him. Now 6 months later and a plethora of mental games, I’ve never wanted to move as much as I do now. When I started contemplating this move, I kept getting caught up on something. Fact is, if I move my sister and nephew would be stranded here without reliable transportation. This isn’t my problem, I’m aware of that. However, by heart being the person that I am, it’s undoubtedly going to be hard for me to selfishly abandon them. Abandoning them here without a way to work, shop, everything I don’t imagine my heart will allow. All I can do is pray about it and leave it in God’s hands.

 There’s not a way to sugar coat the fact that I’m being emotionally dissolved from within. Of course, it’s tearing me apart that I’m never allowing myself to talk to the dead again. However, do I think it’s necessary?Absolutely I do. Do I harbor love for him? Yes, I do, but that does not mean that I’m IN love with the dead. My schedule is all booked up, and all time slots for little boys who like playing mind games are full. Not one bit do I desire to be mentally toyed with by a narcissistic dead man. I already have enough on my plate for him to be adding his games. 

My emotional limit has been reached. Any more I’ll be past the point of return. The last time I felt anywhere near how I’m feeling at present, I tried extinguishing my own life. There was not one ounce of fun in attempting to snuff out my life. Once I was consciously aware of where I was, and what I had done. I relinquished all control of my emotions. Weeping, the first possible thing I did was humbly thank God. For graciously allowing me to continue living life. Genuinely I knew without him I would have died. In that extraordinary moment I made a promise to both myself and to god, that under no circumstance would I attempt that again. Ultimately, God allowed me to continue living. On top of that, he provided me with the clear understanding that I’m on this planet for a reason. The fact that I lived meant whatever my purpose is, it hasn’t been completed. From this experience in my life, I will pull the much needed strength and courage to forget I ever encountered this enraged dead man. 

“i rely my chaos and the light more than my silence and the nights as it paves a way through all the dark loneliness that used to haunt me in the midnights when a part of me surrounded by you, left along with you.” -Aayushi-

yourquote.in

Until next time

Nadia

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Posted in dead man walking, heart-ache, love, memories, relationships

Until I’m Healed

Image Credit: Google

“Family drama” I know is no secret in anyone’s family, but in my family it seems to run rampant.

lies drama family fight bias favors back-stabbing

My brother sat at my house from the time I got back from Walmart, till the sun came up this morning. The things we spoke about, and the way he was acting made me think that no good was going to happen today. By the end of the night, he had threatened me, had a two-hour standoff with the authorities, and ended up in the hospital for a ninety-six-hour mental evaluation. Now he has a warm bed to sleep in, hot meals, and some time to think about his actions. I never want to see his face again, and if I do, I’ll tell him exactly what I think, and tell him to have a nice life far away from me.

My day was pretty much consumed with the dealings of my brother, but through it all, I managed to figure out what I wanted to tell Nicholas about being “just” his friend. The message that I wrote him before going to bed reads as follows:

I’m about to go to bed, and I’ve been thinking how to tell you what I’m about to tell you all day. I really don’t know how to, so I’m going to explain it the best I can. I know you just want to be friends, you’ve made that very clear to me. It hurts terribly, and I don’t hold that against you. When you reached out to me, I took it the wrong way, and I’m sorry, but I’m still madly in love with you, and at this point in my healing process I can’t be “just” friends. You either want me, or you don’t, and you’ve made it very clear through your actions and words that you don’t want me anymore in that way. I’m guessing, for your healing process, you need me to be in your life, even if it’s just as a friend. I get that Nicholas, I do, and it breaks my heart that I can’t be that person for you, because I’m dying every day and to save my life I have to heal my heart my way. I want nothing more than to be your friend, it’s just going to have to be when I’m ready. I can’t fully heal when I’m always waiting for a message, or wondering why you didn’t message me at all. It’s literally killing me. I know this is not your problem anymore, and I don’t expect you to care, but I don’t want to die, and I’m now afraid of that because I now know in my heart you don’t love me like that anymore. Okay, ugh take a deep breath Nadia. When I’ve healed, and I don’t know when that will be or if I ever will, but if I’m strong enough to overcome the loss of the greatest love of my life, I will reach out to you and ask you how your life is. If, I’m welcome at that time to be in your life as a friend I will be happy to be your friend. If not, I’ll kindly accept your wishes and move on, because at that time I will no longer be haunted by flashbacks and memories of you, so I’ll be just fine with not being anything to you. If at any time you are in trouble, or feel like you have NO ONE, I will always be there. I’m just a text away 573…55… I am your Mamma turtle and you are my baby. I might not be your wife for life anymore, but Mamma turtle I got that spot, and NO ONE will ever replace me. I hope you heal faster than I do, and for some reason I have a feeling you will. Hell, you’re already a thousand steps ahead of me, and I feel like I’m going backwards. Today is going to be the hardest day yet, because I know it’s only the first ninety days of the rest of my life without you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, not even someone I spent thirteen years with, so that tells me I love you more than him, or anyone else. You’re my baby boy I will never get over. Remember just like you reached out to me this time when you felt like you were dying, if you ever feel like that again, or if the pain gets to be too much, just text me. I will comfort you, and then sadly retreat again to continue my healing. JUST REMEMBER I’m here. I will never forget you, or the memory of you or us. I will forever until I die and I said it before, until they carry me out of this place in a body bag, I will stay in our apartment and never leave it, and only go outside when I have to, or someone one makes me. I’ll sit right here, look at your spot on the couch, and lay my head on your cushion every night to fall asleep, imagining I’m on your lap. Listen to Play by Alan Walker, it reminds me so much of you, and when I used to play the keyboard for you, and you loved it so much. NO one has ever loved me the way you did, and I know I’ll never find another one like you. You were special in so many ways and I’ll never forget you.

Sweet Dreams,
Nadia Darlene Mazonis

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