For two miserable days, I’ve been emotionally discombobulated wandering aimlessly around this apartment
Instinctively, I assumed it to be the dead man, naturally playing amongst the strings of my raw emotions, but it wasn’t. My sister Lou Lou came over to drop off my keys and during our conversation it became abundantly clear. As we were sitting here in the living room talking, my sister asks me. “Can you believe mother would have been 65 years old today if she were still alive?” Just like that, like turning on a light switch, my entire emotional roller coaster was explained.
What amazes me is how I can be unaware it’s her birthday but subconsciously it still affects me. It’s been like that since her passing. And has been for two days now. Forgetting her birthdate is one thing but it’s impossible to not notice the whole month of October. Typically every year as September is coming to an end, I start getting sadder and more depressed. That’s how it continues grimly till the 31st of October. It’s virtually like the identical thing how the dead man’s and my relationship plays over from the beginning to the end on a repeat player. That is what happens with me the month of her death.
From the front of this apartment to the back, I can detect the dead man’s unavoidable presence in every room. Starting in the kitchen where I used to diligently prepare our meals. Since he left, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve turned my stove on. Next heading back to the closet where his clothes used to hang, that’s still a negative space I avoid if at all possible. In this apartment that he and I found, no desolate corner is safe. Whatever corner I go for to try and find an emotional moment of peace, I find him there waiting for me. I don’t even utilize what used to be our bedroom. To be honest, I don’t use the back side of the apartment at all. Those three spaces and the kitchen are like black holes to me. His overpowering presence in this apartment is extremely haunting. There are even times like last night I could believe he was staring at me from behind.
Right after the dead man moved and went back home with his mammy, I earnestly believed I needed to stay in this apartment. Afraid to lose the one thing I had left of him. Now 6 months later and a plethora of mental games, I’ve never wanted to move as much as I do now. When I started contemplating this move, I kept getting caught up on something. Fact is, if I move my sister and nephew would be stranded here without reliable transportation. This isn’t my problem, I’m aware of that. However, by heart being the person that I am, it’s undoubtedly going to be hard for me to selfishly abandon them. Abandoning them here without a way to work, shop, everything I don’t imagine my heart will allow. All I can do is pray about it and leave it in God’s hands.
There’s not a way to sugar coat the fact that I’m being emotionally dissolved from within. Of course, it’s tearing me apart that I’m never allowing myself to talk to the dead again. However, do I think it’s necessary?Absolutely I do. Do I harbor love for him? Yes, I do, but that does not mean that I’m IN love with the dead. My schedule is all booked up, and all time slots for little boys who like playing mind games are full. Not one bit do I desire to be mentally toyed with by a narcissistic dead man. I already have enough on my plate for him to be adding his games.
My emotional limit has been reached. Any more I’ll be past the point of return. The last time I felt anywhere near how I’m feeling at present, I tried extinguishing my own life. There was not one ounce of fun in attempting to snuff out my life. Once I was consciously aware of where I was, and what I had done. I relinquished all control of my emotions. Weeping, the first possible thing I did was humbly thank God. For graciously allowing me to continue living life. Genuinely I knew without him I would have died. In that extraordinary moment I made a promise to both myself and to god, that under no circumstance would I attempt that again. Ultimately, God allowed me to continue living. On top of that, he provided me with the clear understanding that I’m on this planet for a reason. The fact that I lived meant whatever my purpose is, it hasn’t been completed. From this experience in my life, I will pull the much needed strength and courage to forget I ever encountered this enraged dead man.
“i rely my chaos and the light more than my silence and the nights as it paves a way through all the dark loneliness that used to haunt me in the midnights when a part of me surrounded by you, left along with you.” -Aayushi-
Good evening, it’s presently 9:35 p.m. on Monday the 6th of April. This journal entry is since Saturday the 4th, Sunday the 5th, and today Monday the 6th of April.
It has been undoubtedly a whirlwind the past three days. Saturday and Sunday I felt completely lost, last night I dealt with many family dramas, and today has been chaos. I’m thinking people are starting to lose their flipping minds. Undoubtedly, the only encouraging thing that has happened is when I heard from my sister-in-law Candy last night. It’s been a long time since she and I have talked. We spoke on the phone for a few hours last night, and she stopped by tonight for a brief visit. It was excellent to hear from her and receive an update on my nephews who are in foster care. What I overheard was a bit alarming, but I can’t worry about things that I can’t alter or control. Merely wishing they were back home already.
When I started my Journal in February, I remember sitting down to produce my initial entry. I was extremely nervous about what I was going to record. My reason for feeling this way was because I was terrified of letting people into my innermost feelings and thoughts. The people most familiar to me, how would they handle knowing my sincere thoughts about them and the emotions they cause me? For some reason this evening, as I sit here, I feel apprehensive about allowing my authentic feelings out, which sucks. To beat those nerves so hopefully they never come back, I’m going to be genuine in what I write. In advance, I’m sorry if I upset anyone or hurt their feelings. I have to be 100% honest with you, and myself to make my Journal an accurate account of my life.
So, the first massive thing I desire to address and get it over with is my feelings of abandonment. Quite soon after Wolfie and I started talking, I guess he felt confident enough with me to open up about his life. When I received his initial message explaining the life that he’s been experiencing for the past 6 years, I was disheartened and in shock. I never thought I would read what I had. Now more than ever I wanted to cling to this man. It also explained why I heard his heart and soul crying out to be loved in the very beginning. Reading every last message until the account of his life was over, I composed a direct reply. He said in his last message that he totally understood if I wanted to run and not be a part of such a mess. I sent one back informing him that I wasn’t going anywhere. Adding, that I would always be here, and that until he can figure out how to fix his situation, I’d wait. We will get through this together if it’s the last thing I achieve.
On Saturday and Sunday I would become the 2nd fiddle to a crazed person. If I’m completely straightforward, I’m part to blame. Willingly, I accepted to be in the middle of a situation that I said I wouldn’t back away from. At any rate, I still felt alone and abandoned. Today Wolfie returned to his previous position of operating the plant where he works. Friday was his concluding day in the corporate offices because of a firing spree his company did. Affirmative, you predicted it, the coronavirus. When he worked in his office, we were capable to talk more frequently throughout the day. However, with him being in the plant now we both knew that our communication time was going to drastically decrease. Friday evening after he got off work, I don’t recall talking to him as much as we typically did. This day I didn’t think much of it. Indeed just thought that he was busy after work and that was that. No significant deal. Saturday morning came and we barely spoke. He has to do all the house work by himself on Saturdays mainly bathrooms I believe. He keeps up with the rest of the house as the days go by during the week. I thought for sure after he was completed cleaning we would have some good time together, but that never would happen. Both on Saturday and Sunday I felt that he was either hiding the fact he was messaging me periodically when he went to the bathroom or the kitchen. I would receive one message and poof he’s gone. Ultimately it was just a shitty experience. I was pissed I won’t lie. Not at Wolfie however, but at the situation. When I feel helpless in any predicament, not just this one, I get very emotional. The longer I stick by Wolfie and if things don’t gradually start changing, slowly some of my agitation might naturally go towards him. I pray not, though. This morning on his way to work, and this afternoon after he got done with his errands he called me for the car ride home. This was freaking awesome. His voice is always music to my ears and since I haven’t managed much time with him in texting a phone call was heavenly, well heavenly until he had to hang up on me to answer another call.
Wolfie at the moment represents nothing but my phone and I’m aware of this. With that said, I equally know that on the other end of my phone is an extremely special person. A unique humorous soul that I’ve fallen in love with in an extraordinarily short time. When I accepted his friendship on the 17th of March, I was instantly drawn to him through our messages. Every time he would message me; I would always message THIS guy back. Unlike many other guys who blow my phone up. Precisely feeling his heart and soul crying to me wanting to be loved just like mine has been since November of last year. This is why I think he and I were set on a colliding course. With everything in me I know that we were expected to encounter one another even if it was through social media.
Last night I was sitting at the computer and my sister was just relaxing on the couch when my car alarm went off. I heard three honks of the alarm before I could compute that my alarm was activated, and I jumped up and ran outside to see who had unlocked my car door. When I got outside there was no one around, but I knew someone got in my car, and I knew who it was. I always set my alarm, but the passenger door doesn’t lock, so when you open the door the alarm sounds off. When I didn’t encounter anyone around my car, I came in and messaged my sister that lives a building down from me. I notified her that if my brother’s girlfriend approaches my car again, I will tell the cops I observed her with my own eyes and have her arrested. This story is not over. Yukondra is my brother’s girlfriend and she says that she doesn’t remember getting in my car, but I found a proof today that she was.
So, later on in the afternoon I asked my baby sister Lou if she needed to go to the grocery store. I was going to be making a trip and thought I’d see if she required anything while I was out. A bit later Lou and Josiah came by and we were off to the local grocery store. When we got home, I dropped Lou and Joe off at home. We popped the trunk and got her groceries out to be carried in. Handing the bags that I had and giving them to Joe to take inside because I didn’t want to get into a fight with the dumb bitch who has already once stole my car registration and insurance papers, but presently has broken into my car once again. Regardless, my sister came back to the car to get her purse and phone. As she was shutting the door, I examined her lock her eyes on something that was clearly out of place. As I was inquiring what she was looking at she pulled up off the floor a ladies license whom I do not know, have never seen, and definitely has never been in my car. This crazy female has planted a stolen Drivers License in my car. I’m not quite sure what her beef is with me and why she keeps messing with my car. But if my sister doesn’t succeed at getting her off this property I’m going to make her swallow these licenses. I’m done messing with her and want her gone.
Xatina left this afternoon to go back to her ex’s house until tomorrow evening. However, for some reason my gut is forewarning me that she’s not coming back anytime soon. I’ve stated it before about my oldest sister. She represents a bit of a gypsy and can’t stay put in one suitable place. On many various occasions she has needed a place to stay because her situation wasn’t that great. Every time I’ve aided her; she either sneaks out, or just to my face informs me she’s going hither or there. This time however, I thought it might be unusual, because I indeed live exclusively and she wouldn’t feel therefore on top of anyone. She’s extraordinarily sensitive, and like the three of us she wears her gentle heart on her sleeve. You would genuinely think that being on lock down for the coronavirus would slow her down but nope, not happening. For now I’m not mentioning anything else about this and am going to see how this little ordeal plays out.