How do I write about overwhelming thoughts and feeling that I haven’t processed or felt yet?
Two dreadful things happened over the past week that have rendered me emotionally dead. Up first is Ricardo who called it off between the two of us in a text that was like a novel, jokingly said. Second up is Nicholas, during what realistically was a pleasant conversation ghosted me. Like truly ghosted me and refuses to acknowledge I exist. I’m dumbfounded. These two things happened within a day or two apart. It was like a menacing presence came into my heart and stole my emotional core.
Before all this took place I was already intensely focused on learning as much as I possibly could about SEO practices. After these two things happened, I went at it even harder, sticking my nose to the screen and not looking up.
When I’m ready, I will deal with the pain that is on its way. However tonight, I’m allowing the feeling of dying miserably on the inside to continue. Until I’m adequately prepared, this topic goes on the back burner.
Am I a temperamental woman? Tonight I was called just that.
At first I didn’t know how to take it and honestly when I first read it, I was like, I don’t THINK so mister! Telling myself that this guy didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. How could he? He and I were strangers and never even had a conversation. So before I made a fool out of myself and showed my temperament, I went online and looked up the definition. Come to find out? I’m most definitely temperamental. The definition in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary reads as follows:
1a : marked by excessive sensitivity and impulsive mood changes a temperamental child b : unpredictable in behavior or performance a temperamental computer 2 : of, relating to, or arising from temperament : constitutional temperamental peculiarities
Synonyms & Antonyms of temperamental 1 frequently influenced by moods and especially bad moods one of those temperamental actresses who can make life difficult for everyone around her
Synonym for temperamental moody
Words Related to temperamental Unstable, unsteady, impulsive, volatile, fickle, snappish
Ironically, this gentleman calls me a temperamental woman on the day that I really had to bite my tongue and not fly off at the mouth like a crotchety old hag. There were many times I felt like saying something I would regret to both Nick and Ricardo. Yesterday was a horrible day for obvious reasons, and today I basically begged for Nicholas’ attention and pleaded with him to say just one word to me which he never did. He right out refused. Ignoring me and every message I sent. Dear God, that just hurt letting that out. I hate that I need and want him so bad. Why is this still haunting me? How can I wrap my brain around this? How can it be that the last time we were talking, the conversation was great? Reminiscing about me cooking one of his favorite meals. Steak, fried taters and onions, and corn on the cob. Why now does he not respond? Who knows!
Since Nicholas didn’t want to talk to me, I listened to one of “our” songs on repeat tonight. When we first got together in 2015, he sent me this song and told me to listen to it. He said it reminded him of us and from that point on it became our song. At the time it was very fitting because the profound connection between us was extraordinarily deep and powerful. Unfortunately for me 5 years later, it’s a one sided electrifying bond. Since I haven’t had a journal entry for a moment containing lyrics, and this song is on my mind. I’m going to put it down right here. I’m hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, it surely can’t get worse than today.
Featuring Ellie Goulding & Tarrus Riley
Oh my my my what you do to me. Like lighting when I’m swimming in the sea. From the very first time we loved. From the very first time we touched. Walking on wires and power lines. You put your body on top of mine. Every time that you lift me up, to the heavens and stars above. Oh lord have mercy I’m begging you please, I’m feeling drained I need love. You charge me up like electricity, jump start my heart with your love
There’s an energy, when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
There’s an energy, when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it. When you hold me.When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
I couldn’t leave even if I wanted to. Cause something keeps pulling me back to you. From the very first time we loved. From the very first time we touched. The stroke of your fingers, the scent of your lingers, my mind running wild with the thoughts of your smile. Oh, you gotta give me some, and you can give it all but it’s never enough, no.
There’s an energy when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. There’s an energy when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
Hold me in your arms. Burns like a fire, electricity. When you’re close I feel the sparks. Takes me higher to infinity.
After completing yesterday’s Journal entry, I laid down for the night. Angry with conflicting emotions, the response I got from my ex was still on my mind and aggravating me. Not only was falling asleep a task, staying asleep would prove to remain a challenge as well. A part of me was thrilled to receive the response that I managed to get when I asked my ex if he in fact was bothered after looking at the pictures. Next this other half of me absolutely wants to break down. How could nothing in those four pictures remind him of “me”, and more importantly remind him of “us?”
Two of the pictures were of our fur babies. One of our cats, Sebastian and Sylvester, curled up together on top of Fungus’s enclosure. The other one of Sebastian while he slept on the bench that went to my keyboard. The other two photos were of a puzzle that my ex and I put together, and one of a sunflower I grew on the front porch. When I initially received the pictures, the first emotions that came up in me were sadness and heartache. Seeing our babies sleeping on top of Fungus’s enclosure caused me a terrible feeling because they and daddy were no longer here. I went through my index of memories in my brain remembering where the enclosure was. Recalling the times when my ex was at work and I had to feed Fungus. Next I started reminding myself that my bed is presently located in the spot where that picture was captured. Completely heartbroken because none of them live here anymore, I’d go through this emotional roller coaster at the sight of each picture. The keyboard bench. My ex used to love overhearing me play the keyboard for him. The puzzle, I remember working for hours and us trying to get it done. We stowed it under the couch, so it wouldn’t get damaged. We had every intention to get it framed, but time would run out for us and that never got accomplished. Lastly was the picture of the front porch with the flowers and the sunflower. Seeing that picture transported me back to the feeling of comfort and stability. Our porch was beautiful and looked like a happy couple lived here. This caused me to miss him even more.
It’s legitimately not fair that I had to go back to these emotions and memories when he sent me the photos. Why was his experience different when he looked at them? When I asked why looking at the pictures bothered him, there was no mention of emotions or heartache. To him when he looked at them, they made him sad and mad he used to maintain a peaceful house. It prompted him to remember he no longer had that peaceful house in turn pissing him off. In addition, looking at them reminded him that he now lives back at home with his mother. Merely writing that pisses me off and irritates me. What about our memories? What about the love we shared? What about ANYTHING or ANYONE other than YOURSELF? Like I said, part of me is glad he responded to my question the way he did. It allowed me the heart to restrict him on the phone. Even now, it crushes my soul to know nothing he and I shared was going through his thoughts or heart.
Since I was up at the crack of dawn this morning, Wolfie and I chatted for a while before he hopped in the shower to get ready for work. Every time that my ex contacts me, or like the other day when I contacted my ex, I tell Wolfie the very next time we talk. It’s only proper I keep him informed every time my ex and I communicate. I genuinely want to assure him I no longer desire my ex and want him to be undoubtedly in on what I’m talking about with him. Wolfie said he thought I shouldn’t have impeded him on the phone so that way I didn’t stress myself out worrying about my ex. No matter how mad I realistically am at my ex, I will naturally worry about him until this coronavirus is under adequate control. He lives in the second most infected state and that’s frightening to me. May god express his masterful will in this horrifying situation.
Wolfies attitude about my ex and his expressed opinions on how he genuinely thinks I should properly deal with my ex, astonishes me. He’s gently told me a couple of times that he understands I still harbour feelings for my ex. Also saying that he’s going to give me time and space to work them out. I absolutely wish you knew mister that there realistically are no passionate feelings I possess for my ex. Memories are what I’m having a hard time disposing of. Still to this day if I willingly allow them to occupy my mind or by chance my ex presents me with pictures, that’s when I’m going to suffer a hard time. Therefore, the memories he and I shared are what haunts me. Not the love.
By: Beth Crowley Songwriters: Elizabeth Johnson Crowley
But they were empty words. Now I’m way too numb to ever let them hurt. You didn’t get the best of me. I rescued what was left of me. So, save it. You can keep your empty words.
You’re here, through crocodile tears you make your case describing how much you have changed. You’re sure, cause it’s always worked before, you can persuade me, you won’t doubt your feelings anymore. So confident, but you’ll be surprised it took awhile, but I can finally recognize. I’m so much better off with someone else who can see what they have when it’s right in front of them.
And won’t give me empty words, now I’m way too numb to ever let them hurt. You didn’t get the best of me. I rescued what was left of me. So save it. You can keep your empty words.
Don’t need your empty words, now I’m way too numb to ever let them hurt. You didn’t get the best of me. I rescued what was left of me, save it. You can keep your empty words.