For two miserable days, I’ve been emotionally discombobulated wandering aimlessly around this apartment
Instinctively, I assumed it to be the dead man, naturally playing amongst the strings of my raw emotions, but it wasn’t. My sister Lou Lou came over to drop off my keys and during our conversation it became abundantly clear. As we were sitting here in the living room talking, my sister asks me. “Can you believe mother would have been 65 years old today if she were still alive?” Just like that, like turning on a light switch, my entire emotional roller coaster was explained.
What amazes me is how I can be unaware it’s her birthday but subconsciously it still affects me. It’s been like that since her passing. And has been for two days now. Forgetting her birthdate is one thing but it’s impossible to not notice the whole month of October. Typically every year as September is coming to an end, I start getting sadder and more depressed. That’s how it continues grimly till the 31st of October. It’s virtually like the identical thing how the dead man’s and my relationship plays over from the beginning to the end on a repeat player. That is what happens with me the month of her death.
From the front of this apartment to the back, I can detect the dead man’s unavoidable presence in every room. Starting in the kitchen where I used to diligently prepare our meals. Since he left, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve turned my stove on. Next heading back to the closet where his clothes used to hang, that’s still a negative space I avoid if at all possible. In this apartment that he and I found, no desolate corner is safe. Whatever corner I go for to try and find an emotional moment of peace, I find him there waiting for me. I don’t even utilize what used to be our bedroom. To be honest, I don’t use the back side of the apartment at all. Those three spaces and the kitchen are like black holes to me. His overpowering presence in this apartment is extremely haunting. There are even times like last night I could believe he was staring at me from behind.
Right after the dead man moved and went back home with his mammy, I earnestly believed I needed to stay in this apartment. Afraid to lose the one thing I had left of him. Now 6 months later and a plethora of mental games, I’ve never wanted to move as much as I do now. When I started contemplating this move, I kept getting caught up on something. Fact is, if I move my sister and nephew would be stranded here without reliable transportation. This isn’t my problem, I’m aware of that. However, by heart being the person that I am, it’s undoubtedly going to be hard for me to selfishly abandon them. Abandoning them here without a way to work, shop, everything I don’t imagine my heart will allow. All I can do is pray about it and leave it in God’s hands.
There’s not a way to sugar coat the fact that I’m being emotionally dissolved from within. Of course, it’s tearing me apart that I’m never allowing myself to talk to the dead again. However, do I think it’s necessary?Absolutely I do. Do I harbor love for him? Yes, I do, but that does not mean that I’m IN love with the dead. My schedule is all booked up, and all time slots for little boys who like playing mind games are full. Not one bit do I desire to be mentally toyed with by a narcissistic dead man. I already have enough on my plate for him to be adding his games.
My emotional limit has been reached. Any more I’ll be past the point of return. The last time I felt anywhere near how I’m feeling at present, I tried extinguishing my own life. There was not one ounce of fun in attempting to snuff out my life. Once I was consciously aware of where I was, and what I had done. I relinquished all control of my emotions. Weeping, the first possible thing I did was humbly thank God. For graciously allowing me to continue living life. Genuinely I knew without him I would have died. In that extraordinary moment I made a promise to both myself and to god, that under no circumstance would I attempt that again. Ultimately, God allowed me to continue living. On top of that, he provided me with the clear understanding that I’m on this planet for a reason. The fact that I lived meant whatever my purpose is, it hasn’t been completed. From this experience in my life, I will pull the much needed strength and courage to forget I ever encountered this enraged dead man.
“i rely my chaos and the light more than my silence and the nights as it paves a way through all the dark loneliness that used to haunt me in the midnights when a part of me surrounded by you, left along with you.” -Aayushi-
If I look at another clock one more time today I’m going to loose my marbles.
It shouldn’t be bothering me as much as it is but it’s getting under my skin that Nicholas hasn’t even said hello today. I didn’t expect anything first thing this morning because that is not how “friends” operate, and I was made to understand very clearly yesterday that we were only friends. I did on the other hand think that he would say hello at some point and maybe show me his new drivers license that he got today, I thought he would be excited about finally being a New Jersey resident again, and want to show his new picture off. All I can do at this point is keep taking my steps backwards, and get myself into the mindset I was in before he, well I’ll say it messed with my head. I tweeted something that insinuated that he probably was just going to play head games with me and now I see that’s exactly what he’s doing. I feel like he is doing this on purpose, and I can’t say a thing about it. He will never admit it, but then again who would. Coming from the one that it’s affecting it absolutely feels like a mind game.
I wish he had never came crying to me hungover talking about how he tried killing himself with alcohol and saying that he missed his “Squish” and that he’s been thinking about me a lot. When he said those things my mind went spinning because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. As soon as the hangover was gone it was Mr. hateful that I got. If he messages me tonight right before he goes to bed, I promise that I’m not going to respond. I put that on my dead mother’s grave. He won’t get a single syllable out of me. I deserve better, and he’s treating me like I’m a nobody. I believe I deserve to be treated like any of his other friends. I’m even going to take it one step further, I’m worthy of good friends in my life, so I’ll do what I need to, so I’m not ever feeling this way again.
Okay now that I got that out of the way, I can talk about the fun exciting things I did today. I got my online journal all caught up minus this post and I’m really happy with the way it turned out. After I finished the website, I went over to face book and created my personal page there, that way I can start uploading my journal entries on that platform as well. My sister thinks I’m nuts for putting all my business out there but one day when I’m dead and gone she might find comfort in going back and reading the craziness. Who knows, all I can say is that it gives me an outlet to get stuff off my chest, so I don’t have to hold it all in my little bitty brain.Another positive thing is that I got an email finally telling me that my new weave has been shipped. I will have it by Thursday of next week. I’m super excited because this is the first thing that I’ve bought myself since Nicholas left. I thought for sure I’d never be able to make it on my own but the good lord once again had my back.
Today is Thursday so Candice, Mandy and my brother Jeremiah went over to Paragould Arkansas to visit with my nephews. I’m glad I didn’t go because by the sound of it, they had an interesting car ride there and back. Candice my sister-in-law had to work tonight when they got home, so I’m at the house by myself. Tomorrow is going to be a better day than today and I’m thankful that the good Lord blessed me with today.