How do I write about overwhelming thoughts and feeling that I haven’t processed or felt yet?
Two dreadful things happened over the past week that have rendered me emotionally dead. Up first is Ricardo who called it off between the two of us in a text that was like a novel, jokingly said. Second up is Nicholas, during what realistically was a pleasant conversation ghosted me. Like truly ghosted me and refuses to acknowledge I exist. I’m dumbfounded. These two things happened within a day or two apart. It was like a menacing presence came into my heart and stole my emotional core.
Before all this took place I was already intensely focused on learning as much as I possibly could about SEO practices. After these two things happened, I went at it even harder, sticking my nose to the screen and not looking up.
When I’m ready, I will deal with the pain that is on its way. However tonight, I’m allowing the feeling of dying miserably on the inside to continue. Until I’m adequately prepared, this topic goes on the back burner.
This morning as Wolfie was driving to work, he and I spoke on the phone.
It seems like I never recall what we talk about, and this time is no different. When I hear his voice, I’m transported into a dream world where I think of what life will be like once we get over the mountain that we have to climb. There’s nothing more that I love at this point in my life other than him, and to hear his voice. What seemed like only 5 minutes, but I’m sure it was longer, he was at work and had to go. Somehow today we were able to text more than I thought we were going to be able to with him back on the floor of the plant. This was a wonderful surprise and a much needed feeling of being close once again. That feeling would be taken to the next level when he called in the middle of his work day. When the phone rang and I saw it was Wolfie, I assumed he was on his lunch break. He wasn’t though, he was headed somewhere outside going to another building or something. This small gesture made me feel like I belonged to him and that we were officially together. Up until this point I hadn’t felt that way. In fact I was feeling quite the opposite. With him switching jobs, and this damn mountain we are on, it felt like we were drifting apart. That all changed today.
Before it was time for Wolfie to get off work my case manager called today to do a 20 question questionnaire. It in fact didn’t take long to complete, but I kept her on the phone forever talking about this stupid virus. If I only had known the time, I would have shut my pie hole because as I’m yapping my mouth the phone rings on the other line. Not unexpectedly it was Wolfie, and I couldn’t respond. This did bother me at first, but unlike it has been over the past weekend and so far this week, we chatted a little bit more. When he went to bed, we talked for just a little bit before he was tired. Before he went to sleep, I willingly promised him some good pictures today. So, after writing and posting today I’m positively going to achieve precisely this. He was already informed that it might not be when he wakes up, but he’ll get it while he’s at work more than likely.
Tomorrow will represent 5 months since I last saw my ex’s face. That’s virtually half of a year ago. Oh whoa, that looked incredible as I typed it. Half a year? Before I can comprehend it, it will be a year. It doesn’t seem like that long ago that the 9th of the month would cause me significant depression. Not only depression but getting in that horrible state of mind that I’m going to die without him. How things have changed, and I’m so thankful, blessed, and grateful that it’s over. Absolutely, I think about him. Worrying about him only because of the crazy coronavirus, but I think that’s normal right? Regardless, I did reach out to him today just to check to make sure he remains corona free. The last time we communicated, he was very short, and he was pretty much an arrogant prick. Today would be pretty much the same. One or two word answers, giving off a go duck yourself attitude. Yes, I know I just typed duck, use your imagination.
Well, unlike the last time, I spoke up today. All I was doing was being a caring friend, to find out how he’s been feeling and give him what information I had researched on the coronavirus. After about the 3rd or 4th time of him throwing me attitude, I simply went off. Telling him that his ducking attitude sucks, and he was bringing me down to his level. Told him that if he wanted to get a hold of me when he was in a better mood, that he knew how to reach me. Surprisingly, he didn’t have anything else to say to me that was being a smart ass. For real though, I thought I wouldn’t hear from him again because I spoke my mind. Usually, when I do that he gets all pissy. Later on in the day at some point, I think low and behold he messaged. He told me he was eating what used to be my favorite meal. BLT sandwiches. Delicious! During the conversation he also informed me that the doctor had called back and that he had to go to the hospital on Friday to do a chest x-ray. This little bit I’m really terrified about. We may not be together any longer, but god forbid something tragic ends up going wrong and this man inevitably dies? This will undoubtedly make me jump off of the cliff. It will be a personal setback, that I don’t think I’ll be coming back from.
When I first sat down to dutifully write in my personal journal tonight, I planned on setting free my political opinion on this darn coronavirus. The more I inevitably see and hear, the more that gets out, I get more pissed. I’m not probing it right now, but you can bet it’s assuredly coming. I genuinely have to let it out, or it will devour me on the inside.
My sister’s name is in fact Catina but the C will from now on be switched to an X.
One thing I can’t stand remains to be a person who lies right to my face. Ordinarily, when I’m lied to, I quickly pick up on it as I did yesterday. On the odd occasion I’ll keep my mouth shut, and sometimes I’ll confront the liar immediately. Well yesterday, I spoke up then got lied to about lying. Dear god, some people think they are Oscar worthy actors and they’re not. When my sister Xatina forewarned me that she was going to her ex’s house for the night I really didn’t mind. It troubled me only for one reason. The coronavirus, who knows where her ex has been or who the people he was around have been? Not mentioning anything, because Xatina and I were already knocking heads, I merely said okay. As Xatina was packing for what was supposed to be an overnight trip, she kept saying out loud what all she was going to do while gone.
The first thing was her laundry. She was doing her clothes because she had so many that were dirty. All of them apparently. So what did she do? Made a fake phone call right behind me so that I would hear. Big mistake sissy. She’s talked on the phone here many times, and I could hear the other person faintly on the other end, this time there was no one on the other end. On the inside I’m laughing so hard because she was really acting. Really trying to convince me, she had a small argument with herself, and laughs that were to nothing but air, just silly. She asked the air if she could do her laundry at their house and of course the air said yes. Oh no! She forgot, her ex doesn’t possess a washer or dryer and neither does his son who lives right near him. This is why when she lived out there she had to scrub her clothes by hand. Who knows that might be a lie too. So instead of packing her dirty clothes like she should have, she placed all her clothes in two plastic bags leaving her suitcase here. When she lugged them into the living room, I absolutely had to make a remark. She uttered to me yet another lie, so I smirked and remained silent. This is the thing about liars. They can’t retain all the lies they’ve told. To a great degree if they are pathological.
As she was going around the house collecting ALL her belongings, she kept telling little lies. In her warped head she thought I believed all this and that I wouldn’t pick up on the fact she was packing ALL her stuff. She sat on the couch like she was all done. Actually she was thinking of yet another lie to say out loud, because she had one more thing to get. She hoped up like she forgot something, spoke out loud another lie so I could hear it and collected whatever it was. When she was all done I turned around sideways in my desk chair. One more time I was going to try and get her to tell the truth. When I turned around, I noticed she forgot something on top of the microwave. Oh yeah, she didn’t forget that. She just didn’t need it where she was going I told myself.
Xatina was sitting on the couch, and I told her to just be honest with me and let me know if you’re leaving for good. Like she always does, she said I’m telling the truth in a defensive tone and said she would be back tomorrow. Which would have been today. My gut was telling me she was lying, so I asked her. Then why does my gut say you’re leaving and not coming back? The next thing she said was the only thing during all this that was the truth. “My history?” You’re damned straight I told myself. Knowing she wasn’t coming back, I needed to collect my lighter that was in her purse that she was going to try and take. She’s also a thief and thought I forgot about it. When I asked for it back she got more upset than she already was, after handing it to me she found herself mocking me. I just turned back around and continued what I was doing on the computer.
Don’t for an instant think I don’t love my sister Xatina, I love her just as much as I love my other siblings. I’ve tried helping Xatina many times, but she always ends up chasing what she loves. If you asked her why she decided to go back to a place supposed to be SO bad, she would tell you it’s because I was picking on here and yelled at her. In actuality it’s because her ex went to the doctor and got her favorite thing. The reason I yelled at her was that the day she came back home from his house she could hardly walk and fell asleep standing up next to me, almost falling into my computer. Having little patience for people so messed up they’re incoherent, I yelled at her. Don’t get me wrong I like to get high and I do, but I NEVER get to the point of being incoherent which she was. We went to the store that day and the whole way there and back her whole upper body slouched over and she was passed out. It was like I picked a heroin addict up off the corner. Once I figured out she had taken her kryptonite and I yelled at her, I knew she was going to leave. Remaining silent, because I wanted to see if my thinking was going to be correct. Of course it was and now she’s gone.
Xatina, this time you will lay in the bed that you made. If this story is even true, remember the next time you’re laying at the bottom of the stairs with broken limbs because your man or some woman has pushed you down them, remember you are the one who left. Sissy you finally had a SAFE, STABLE, QUIET place to live. Yet, you leave because that’s not what you really want. Remember I love you and remember that I will never offer to help you again. You can lie, you can try your best to pluck at my feelings. Never again will I feel sorry for you or feel like a bad sister for not helping you. Your games with my heart are now over. Call me a cold-hearted bitch if you wish, but what I’m going to serve up to you is called TOUGH LOVE!
It seems like with each passing day I get to talk to Wolfie less and less. Today was my fault because I couldn’t get my rear end up out of bed. I slept from 2 a.m. and didn’t get up until almost 8 p.m… When I finally did get up, I instantly messaged him thinking I would get at least some time with him. He normally doesn’t go to bed until 9 p.m., so I thought I was on time. Well of course he was tired and ended up falling asleep early so that wasn’t going to happen. Naturally I guess, but it seems like our relationship is drifting farther and farther apart. However, my genuine connection or unique bond that I naturally feel with him hasn’t. Sincerely praying that this changes and goes back to the way it was in the beginning, but I’m not going to forcibly hold my breath.
My sister-in-law Candy called again last night. It’s wonderful being able to talk amicably to her again. She and her drunken husband who got married a couple of months ago, were having issues again last night. When they got inseparably united, they had barely known each other for an unusually short time. I’m undoubtedly thinking it might have been overwhelmingly a mistake, but we will only just have to wait and see. I stayed on the mobile phone with Candy for a while until my sister Lou and I had to promptly go supply one of her best friends a boost for her car. Before we left Candy requested that I swing by and pick her up when we got done, and I said sure. Lou and I went ahead to her friend’s modest house to jump her stranded car. What I sincerely believed would be a real hasty trip turned out to correctly be an hour trip, maybe 2. After we jumped her truck, not car, Lou and I swung by where my rebellious brother used to live and recovered a few personal things that he had left there. By the time we were rolling merrily into town, I still hadn’t heard anything from Candy. Assuming everything was okay with her and the husband, we just went on home. We drove down to Lou’s house to unload the car, and I came back home to start writing in my Journal.