How do I write about overwhelming thoughts and feeling that I haven’t processed or felt yet?
Two dreadful things happened over the past week that have rendered me emotionally dead. Up first is Ricardo who called it off between the two of us in a text that was like a novel, jokingly said. Second up is Nicholas, during what realistically was a pleasant conversation ghosted me. Like truly ghosted me and refuses to acknowledge I exist. I’m dumbfounded. These two things happened within a day or two apart. It was like a menacing presence came into my heart and stole my emotional core.
Before all this took place I was already intensely focused on learning as much as I possibly could about SEO practices. After these two things happened, I went at it even harder, sticking my nose to the screen and not looking up.
When I’m ready, I will deal with the pain that is on its way. However tonight, I’m allowing the feeling of dying miserably on the inside to continue. Until I’m adequately prepared, this topic goes on the back burner.
I’m extremely annoyed right now, yet so happy. What a weird feeling this is.
Upset because I had my journal entry done for today, and as I was going to proofread, my program froze up. Losing everything, now I have to start over. Happy because it’s now after 5 a.m., and soon I will get to talk to my new friend. More about him later. I’m not going to remember everything that I had written, which pisses me off royally, but I think I remember the important details. First was my ex.
Messaging him Saturday night when I got up, and not hearing from him until after 4 p.m. today I was kind of upset. Why is it when he messages me, I feel like it’s the adult thing to do and message him back? Obviously he doesn’t and feels like he only has to message when he gets good and ready. That he showed me today. Besides that, when he finally does message, he totally ignores everything I said in my messages. Instead, he gives me the poorest excuse I’ve ever gotten. “I was sucked into a game.” THANK GOD this nightmare is over and I no longer have to put up with this childish nonsense. There is something I want to record real quick. In my messages I finally told him exactly what was on my mind and explained to him that I no longer would keep my thoughts and feelings locked in my head. I’m done with having to stay trapped in my mind just to keep him happy and talking to me. After today and where I’m at emotionally I could care less if he ever said another word to me. Today I took the last step to block him completely on Facebook. My 48 hours passed, and now he’s blocked both on my personal and public pages. Months ago I blocked him on Instagram, which I’m unconcerned with because he hasn’t used it since 2013. He doesn’t use Twitter, so the only other place I have to block him from is my phone. This will be done in the near future, very near future once I say my FINAL goodbye.
Next was my shocking news, and it’s in fact the most divine thing I’ve felt in almost five months. I precisely remember that when I was previously writing this section my anxious heart was racing. My fingers were moving so fast I couldn’t keep up. That’s what Mr. Wolfman does to me. I remember when I was previously writing this section my heart was racing, my fingers were moving so fast I couldn’t keep up. We have been talking for I guess a week or longer I’m unsure. When we started talking, I didn’t think to remember dates, because I seriously didn’t think much of this guy at the time. Slowly, without being able to stop it, he was hypnotizing me with just our conversations. I usually don’t put much effort into men who don’t use a face picture as their profile picture, but every time he messaged me, it was like a trail of goodies laid down for me to follow, and I always replied. Finally, once I knew there was something special about Mr Wolfman, and I wanted to know more I asked him if I could see a picture of him. He obliged and sent me a photo. Today, I’m sitting here rewriting this journal entry looking at the clock wondering what time he’s going to get up. We spoke until 2 a.m. this morning, and already I want more of him. It’s now going on five months since my ex left, and Wolfman is the first guy to capture my total attention. There have been other’s that get my attention, however keeping it is another story. There have been some that I’m interested in, then I mention them here in my journal, and poof they were a flake. He and this are totally different.
I need to record something, because it’s my true feelings. Every time I write my Journal, I make sure that what comes down from my brain and up from my heart exits out my fingers. I’ve done this since day one of my Journal. At the same time I’m terrified to record what I’m about to write, because my new friend reads my journal. The last thing I want to do is frighten him or make him get out of my lane. Tonight as we were chatting, I literally felt a crack in my chest. No, it didn’t hurt it felt more like a release of energy. Instantly I knew what it was, I had no doubts. It’s a feeling that I’ve been waiting for, but didn’t know if it were possible. What I thought was a permanent seal around my heart, had just cracked open. I actually felt the tightly bound hopes, dreams, and goals of a dead woman unfold. Opening my heart wide open, those things that I held so tightly, were instantly released. With my soul now free I’m able to let this wonderful man in to occupy my heart.
I’m aware this is just the beginning, and I still have to let those hopes, and dreams float far away from me. They need to be out of my eyesight, so I know they are gone forever. Once I no longer see them, and honestly since my heart opened I’ve not once tried to pull them back in, I will do my last bit of letting go. When I finally tell him goodbye, I will block his telephone number and never look back. The only place for him to contact me at that point will be my website where you are reading this now. Plans are already in place if this happens. All comments are first screened by me. If I get one from him, I simply will delete it, and never read what he wrote. Knowing he messaged may affect me initially, but not knowing the content will do wonders.
Lastly, before writing this journal entry I positively had to take the time to write my brilliant gem of a friend JP. Since the day I translated his initial message, I’ve come to admire and appreciate him dearly. For two days, I was depressed for many reasons, but there were two that I needed to let JP know about. It took several hours to write this letter, because my heart was breaking, and I’m scared to know how it has affected him. JP I pray you understand that there was nothing I could do to stop what unfolded. Sir, everything you disclosed to me I’ll take to my grave and I want nothing more than for us to continue on with our special and unique friendship. If I never hear from you again, I’ll be devastated, but if that’s your decision I completely understand why.
“Love is the only freedom in the world because it so elevates the spirit that the laws of humanity and the phenomena of nature do not alter its course.” ― Kahlil Gibran, Broken Wings
