For two miserable days, I’ve been emotionally discombobulated wandering aimlessly around this apartment
Instinctively, I assumed it to be the dead man, naturally playing amongst the strings of my raw emotions, but it wasn’t. My sister Lou Lou came over to drop off my keys and during our conversation it became abundantly clear. As we were sitting here in the living room talking, my sister asks me. “Can you believe mother would have been 65 years old today if she were still alive?” Just like that, like turning on a light switch, my entire emotional roller coaster was explained.
What amazes me is how I can be unaware it’s her birthday but subconsciously it still affects me. It’s been like that since her passing. And has been for two days now. Forgetting her birthdate is one thing but it’s impossible to not notice the whole month of October. Typically every year as September is coming to an end, I start getting sadder and more depressed. That’s how it continues grimly till the 31st of October. It’s virtually like the identical thing how the dead man’s and my relationship plays over from the beginning to the end on a repeat player. That is what happens with me the month of her death.
From the front of this apartment to the back, I can detect the dead man’s unavoidable presence in every room. Starting in the kitchen where I used to diligently prepare our meals. Since he left, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve turned my stove on. Next heading back to the closet where his clothes used to hang, that’s still a negative space I avoid if at all possible. In this apartment that he and I found, no desolate corner is safe. Whatever corner I go for to try and find an emotional moment of peace, I find him there waiting for me. I don’t even utilize what used to be our bedroom. To be honest, I don’t use the back side of the apartment at all. Those three spaces and the kitchen are like black holes to me. His overpowering presence in this apartment is extremely haunting. There are even times like last night I could believe he was staring at me from behind.
Right after the dead man moved and went back home with his mammy, I earnestly believed I needed to stay in this apartment. Afraid to lose the one thing I had left of him. Now 6 months later and a plethora of mental games, I’ve never wanted to move as much as I do now. When I started contemplating this move, I kept getting caught up on something. Fact is, if I move my sister and nephew would be stranded here without reliable transportation. This isn’t my problem, I’m aware of that. However, by heart being the person that I am, it’s undoubtedly going to be hard for me to selfishly abandon them. Abandoning them here without a way to work, shop, everything I don’t imagine my heart will allow. All I can do is pray about it and leave it in God’s hands.
There’s not a way to sugar coat the fact that I’m being emotionally dissolved from within. Of course, it’s tearing me apart that I’m never allowing myself to talk to the dead again. However, do I think it’s necessary?Absolutely I do. Do I harbor love for him? Yes, I do, but that does not mean that I’m IN love with the dead. My schedule is all booked up, and all time slots for little boys who like playing mind games are full. Not one bit do I desire to be mentally toyed with by a narcissistic dead man. I already have enough on my plate for him to be adding his games.
My emotional limit has been reached. Any more I’ll be past the point of return. The last time I felt anywhere near how I’m feeling at present, I tried extinguishing my own life. There was not one ounce of fun in attempting to snuff out my life. Once I was consciously aware of where I was, and what I had done. I relinquished all control of my emotions. Weeping, the first possible thing I did was humbly thank God. For graciously allowing me to continue living life. Genuinely I knew without him I would have died. In that extraordinary moment I made a promise to both myself and to god, that under no circumstance would I attempt that again. Ultimately, God allowed me to continue living. On top of that, he provided me with the clear understanding that I’m on this planet for a reason. The fact that I lived meant whatever my purpose is, it hasn’t been completed. From this experience in my life, I will pull the much needed strength and courage to forget I ever encountered this enraged dead man.
“i rely my chaos and the light more than my silence and the nights as it paves a way through all the dark loneliness that used to haunt me in the midnights when a part of me surrounded by you, left along with you.” -Aayushi-
Have you ever had enough of something that you just can’t take any longer?Anything? Well, I have and Nicholas, enough is enough!
I’ve deleted what I’ve written 4,854 times. Each time I try being as nice and polite as I can be. Yet, each time getting more pissed off because I shouldn’t have to be polite or nice. Especially to someone who is playing with my mind. This is my journal, and this is where I am allowed to come and let it out.
To some, what I’m about to say may be on the extreme side of things. Yes, I’d probably agree with you on most days. However in the past, to get over a relationship that has ended, this is where I have to go. If not, I’m not able to move on. Up until this point with Nick, I’ve refused to go here because I wanted to do things differently. What I’ve finally realized is that with Nick I’m going to have to go here.
Waking up this morning I was angry and disoriented. If my sister hadn’t come over, I would have still believed I’d died and woke up in an alternate universe. Most of the anger that I harbor is towards myself. Furious that I still allow this fool to blatantly play mind games with me? Why do I keep allowing it? Is it because of love? This doesn’t feel like love; I know what love feels like. I’m angry with myself because I’ll say in one breath I’m done with his bull shit, and in the next breath I’m in the state of mind that I’m currently in. Enough is enough!
This time I’ve actually had enough of it Nicholas! Mentally, I’m allowing you to check me into the nearest mental ward, and I’m not fighting back at all. Emotionally, I’ve already allowed you to mold me into someone completely unfamiliar to whom I was when we met. Without any elaboration, my body and heart can’t take it any longer. If I allow you to maintain this grip on me, then I’m allowing you to ruin me from within. This I won’t allow Nicholas, and for that reason, you are now dead to me.
Never will I text you again. Remember Nicholas; I’m not supposed to text dead people. Never again will I email you. Recall Nicholas; I’m not supposed to talk to the forgotten dead at all? Never again will I call you like I foolishly tried to tonight for the first desperate time in nearly 6 terrible months. Recall Nicholas; dead people aren’t supposed to talk. You restricted my main number and forwarded my secondary number. You dismissed all my desperate pleas to merely utter anything even if it inevitably was a get lost. In that very moment, I realized I was desperately trying to get a hold of a dead man. Enough is enough!
By foolishly allowing a dead person to affect me, in turn allowed him to rob me of my new hopes and dreams with Ricardo. For one moment, don’t think I’m unaware this was your ultimate end game. Even down to you being vocal on the video that inevitably affected me in the personal way that it did. You’re aware of what you’re executing, you’re a narcissist and manipulator just like your,……… never mind I’m not going to go there. All of it was intentional, and that was your last hoo raw at my emotional expense.
I’ve comfortably accommodated you enough Nicholas, and allowed enough of your head games. You are hereby DEAD to me!
My entire life I’ve been a firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. Probably because I was taught that our life story was written by God before we were born. So, in my mind everything we do, or everyone we meet is not by chance.
As I stated yesterday, not having to deal with the nonsense of relationships has been pretty easy. All I’ve had to do is keep my mind mentally stimulated or let the universe drop something in my lap. Tonight the universe was there to help yet again.
For some reason I came across paths with this beautiful soul. I read a poem that he wrote, and I can’t even put into words how it made me feel. I’m not usually speechless but after reading the last words of this poem, I was frozen. Really, all it was is I just didn’t want the feeling that I had to go away. This feeling that I was experiencing was very familiar and I haven’t’ felt it in quite some time
Honestly, I’m still a little bumfuzzled. For some reason I still can’t get my thoughts to form correctly in sentences. My brain is telling my fingers to type this and my heart it directing them to type that. To prevent me from saying something foolish, I’m going to stop right here.
In the end this is what I was able to compose so I could thank him for opening up the floodgates of hope.
Literally I just came from staring at the comment box on your post “i will love you” over on your blog. My every intention was to leave you a message to thank you for expanding my heart to allow hope to flourish again. After everything that has taken place in the past six months, as it relates to my love life, my hope was all but demolished.
The hope that I would ever experience the unique feeling of being loved again was dead and gone. Genuinely, I thought I’d never experience it again. Yet somehow the words you carefully composed in this poem wrapped around me like a thermal blanket of love. What it abundantly proved to me is, within my emotional core, love is still alive.
Sadly, I had to leave without submitting that comment. Once I was capable of moving and processed what was going on, I couldn’t gather the words to express my gratitude. In all sincerity, I’m still having a little bit of trouble. The fact that I have no idea who you realistically are astonishes me. You’ve made me feel alive again and gave me back the hope of love. With that being said, from the bottom of my heart, I want to THANK YOU!!
As I was leaving your blog, I couldn’t help but notice you were going through some possible health issues. Whatever it is, I’m going to be praying for you! Your soul is a beautiful one, and I know this because I can detect your presence. Whatever the issue is, have faith that you will come out on the other side healthier and happier.
Am I a temperamental woman? Tonight I was called just that.
At first I didn’t know how to take it and honestly when I first read it, I was like, I don’t THINK so mister! Telling myself that this guy didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. How could he? He and I were strangers and never even had a conversation. So before I made a fool out of myself and showed my temperament, I went online and looked up the definition. Come to find out? I’m most definitely temperamental. The definition in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary reads as follows:
1a : marked by excessive sensitivity and impulsive mood changes a temperamental child b : unpredictable in behavior or performance a temperamental computer 2 : of, relating to, or arising from temperament : constitutional temperamental peculiarities
Synonyms & Antonyms of temperamental 1 frequently influenced by moods and especially bad moods one of those temperamental actresses who can make life difficult for everyone around her
Synonym for temperamental moody
Words Related to temperamental Unstable, unsteady, impulsive, volatile, fickle, snappish
Ironically, this gentleman calls me a temperamental woman on the day that I really had to bite my tongue and not fly off at the mouth like a crotchety old hag. There were many times I felt like saying something I would regret to both Nick and Ricardo. Yesterday was a horrible day for obvious reasons, and today I basically begged for Nicholas’ attention and pleaded with him to say just one word to me which he never did. He right out refused. Ignoring me and every message I sent. Dear God, that just hurt letting that out. I hate that I need and want him so bad. Why is this still haunting me? How can I wrap my brain around this? How can it be that the last time we were talking, the conversation was great? Reminiscing about me cooking one of his favorite meals. Steak, fried taters and onions, and corn on the cob. Why now does he not respond? Who knows!
Since Nicholas didn’t want to talk to me, I listened to one of “our” songs on repeat tonight. When we first got together in 2015, he sent me this song and told me to listen to it. He said it reminded him of us and from that point on it became our song. At the time it was very fitting because the profound connection between us was extraordinarily deep and powerful. Unfortunately for me 5 years later, it’s a one sided electrifying bond. Since I haven’t had a journal entry for a moment containing lyrics, and this song is on my mind. I’m going to put it down right here. I’m hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, it surely can’t get worse than today.
Featuring Ellie Goulding & Tarrus Riley
Oh my my my what you do to me. Like lighting when I’m swimming in the sea. From the very first time we loved. From the very first time we touched. Walking on wires and power lines. You put your body on top of mine. Every time that you lift me up, to the heavens and stars above. Oh lord have mercy I’m begging you please, I’m feeling drained I need love. You charge me up like electricity, jump start my heart with your love
There’s an energy, when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
There’s an energy, when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it. When you hold me.When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
I couldn’t leave even if I wanted to. Cause something keeps pulling me back to you. From the very first time we loved. From the very first time we touched. The stroke of your fingers, the scent of your lingers, my mind running wild with the thoughts of your smile. Oh, you gotta give me some, and you can give it all but it’s never enough, no.
There’s an energy when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. There’s an energy when you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful. I can feel it. When you hold me. When you touch me. It’s so powerful.
Hold me in your arms. Burns like a fire, electricity. When you’re close I feel the sparks. Takes me higher to infinity.
Have you ever been so focused and into something that the living world around you evanesced?
This is exactly what happened to me today, except for the few times I occasionally popped in and out of my intense concentration. There were moments when I remembered I was having conversations with people and would come back to earth long enough to send them a message. Through it all, I unbelievably know and understand SEO, and have a good grasp on how it works. Before stopping to write tonight’s journal entry, I was in the process of optimizing my website for search engines. S (search) E (engine) O (optimization). After I get my website optimized the next thing I’m going to study is the Analytics system. I’ve dabbled in it a bit, but desperately want to get lost in it just like I allowed myself to do with the optimization for search engines.
It was most likely the emotional day yesterday, and the journal entry last night that caused me to doggedly focus and learn SEO today. This allowed me to not think about my emotions that I know exist over hearing Nicholas’s voice. How do I know they exist? Because all day today, even as focused as I was, the musical tone of his voice sang in my heart all day. Like it was yesterday, I can remember listening to Nicholas sing in the car when a song he liked came on. A specific song comes to mind, and it’s a song by Lukas Graham called 7 Years. When this song came on and if he was in a pleasant mood, he would sing his heart out. Only if I appreciated then what I know right now, I would have told him just how much I loved listening to him sing.
When I need to find out any kind of political or world news I know where to turn too. A lot of times I don’t have to ask him, he’s just eager to provide me with information. William is the one who explained to me a lot about how the world and politics are intertwined, and ultimately he played a part in my cutting it out of my life. When we split up in 2015 and I stayed in Missouri, it was extremely unbearable to follow the news. Watching the news was something we did together, so I cut it out of my life. There were other reasons but that was the primary reason.
For some reason last night, I needed to ask William a question. I can’t remember for the life of me what it was but I messaged him asking him to call me. When the phone rang, I plucked it up thinking it was going to be a voice call like always. As soon as I picked it up, I noticed it was a video call. What in the hell, I suddenly got nervous and terrified. This could affect me and I possessed no clue how I was going to react. I have to admit it did me a lot of good. When I saw him talk so passionately and his eyes lit up and the smile on his face, it sent chills down my spine. Seeing his face for the first time in almost 5 years was refreshing. It felt like home. A secure and familiar place.
It was early this morning when I began to talk to William. He and I would speak off and on all day today. This day he was loaded with information, and I want to just record it real quick without going into too much detail. One thing he stated was that pastors are getting arrested for refusing to not have church. Arresting pastors? Just crazy! Also, the police are taking license plate numbers down of the cars in the parking lot. Anyone attending service and will be fined and punished through the mail. This is infringing upon our rights and if we don’t stand up and fight back our lives as we knew it was over. All because of a country, China, who messed up and remained silent for 6 weeks before they told the world that they released a super flu that would kill old people and anyone with conditions like heart problems and any one with weak immune systems.
In my opinion their leaders should be accused of war crimes. What they performed was a test of a biological weapon against the world. At the least they should be prosecuted and made to foot the bill of the cost this is costing the world. Under those circumstances they should be imposed with crimes against humanity. Gas prices are about to go up and so are milk prices. As if this all isn’t enough, there are three countries massing at the northern border of Israel. Things are about to get even worse and the world, even Americans are merely sitting down. Sitting in their homes listening for the orders of what they can and can’t do. This sadly isn’t America anymore.
Someone else who doesn’t like to hear me get all hyped up on politics or this virus hoax is Wolfie. He nor Nicholas want to hear it or have anything to do with it. When we at length discussed or issues this morning and cleared the air between us, he was getting ready to see a slice of my aggressive side. When I sent him a text message, and at the end of it using the phrase “Point Blank.” to get my point across to him, it read a bit bitchy. I was being a little bit saucy I thought, but he informed me that it was the prior. When I sent it, all I wanted to execute was the view that I had told him everything that was on my mind. After we chuckled a bit, I think it worked. Wolfie and I didn’t talk frequently for the rest of the day, just a message here and there like I did with my other two boys. When I asked him what he had achieved today, he said he cleaned the floors the house. After cleaning he prepared a huge meal. That’s one of many things I look forward to, and that’s his cooking. Tonight we didn’t talk as he laid in bed either. He told me just a minute ago that he fell asleep. So that I didn’t prevent him from going back to sleep, I didn’t respond. We will catch up in the morning.
After the past two emotional days, I reflect on the valuable lessons I’ve absorbed. One, never push and aggressively shove your uncomfortable feelings and personal emotions down to attempt and suppress them. Two, instead of lying to yourself just deal with the negative feelings of the terrible emotions and learn to cope with it no matter how painful it might be. Knocking heads with Wolfie this morning. Struggling desperately to make sense of my overwhelming love for Nicholas. Seeing William on a video call for the first time in five miserable years. What an emotional roller-coaster the past two days has been. After I get this journal entry posted, I’m going to evanesce back up into the SEO world. There is, despite everything, a ton of work to be done to get my journal website optimized for these search engines.The previous crawl I efficiently performed on my personal website, the organizational structure improved immensely and one other aspect. In addition, I absolutely can’t recall which one. The one I was working on before abandoning to record tonight represents the content aspect. I’ve been busting my brain trying to figure out where the duplicates were coming from, and I figured it out right before quitting. When I get back to it, I am carefully polishing it all up.